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Those Winter Sundays (For Stan's WS)

Sundays too my father got up at dawn
and put on his clothes in the dim lit barn.
Then with oaken hands that ached
from labor of lumbering
he banked fires .No one thanked him.

I'd wake and hear the cold raspy roar.
When the rooms were warm, he'd call
and bellow. I would rise and dress
fearing the rousing angers of that house,

Speaking with a trembling voice to him,
who had gutted the wits out of me
and polished my biting shoes in reverie
What did I know, what did I know?
of love's sacred offices?

=============================================================================
The Assignment given by Stan for comparison

THOSE WINTER SUNDAYS by Robert Hayden

Sundays too my father got up..........
and put on his clothes in the.............
then with....... hands that ached
from labor..................................
he banked fires .No one thanked him

I'd wake and hear the cold............
When the rooms were warm, he'd call
and....... I would rise and dress
fearing the....... angers of that house,

Speaking.......... to him,
who had.....
and polished my......... shoes....
What did I know, what did I know?
of love's....................offices?
* ellipses denote where original imagery was placed

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I wish to mention that living in a tropical country I have not as yet experienced severe wintery conditions. Therefore, initially I was apprehensive about lack of my wintry vocabulary but after dwelling on the essence of the write with ellipsis I realized that winter was just a condition and not the essence of the write, so I have attempted to dig deep into my vocabulary to scoop out what perhaps could best fit the ellipsis and the "fiery side of love"...which is perhaps what I would have used as a title..if it was totally my write..
Editing stage: 

Comments

For me the closing line "of love's..........offices" was the toughest until it dawned on me that "offices" could have been used to signify "Father and Mother" who hold the highest rank in the institution of a Family.

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

windy in my opinion is stretching, wind can roar yes but windy roar perhaps

brawl would rhyme but makes no sense why would he brawl when to brawl is to fight unless it means something else in your vernacular

weary hmmm let see what else can be used there , how about just a plain "worn old"you still would have two syllables

interesting use there "gutted the wits"
of loves ---------offices that got me as well but nice point made about parents holding the highest offices
I'm not sure crackling would fit in that scenario then why not loves highest offices
are you using crackling as the sound of warmth here but it is a house
I'm going to look up this poem and see what the riginal was about as it has me stumped

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Thanks for the read and objective evaluation and pointing out the cracks. I will take those into consideration and of others and tweak this up,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I have made changes in response to your comments. Please let me know if this works better now.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

better
might I suggest
the cold wintry roar

and the use of
bellow in place of brawl or whatever it was

I like the oaken hands line
the re write looks much better
and makes more sense
but do not change anything on my say so let's see what Stan has to say

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Thanks for providing more tips. I'm not sure if "cold wintry" would be appropriate because they are similar in condition. I liked your suggestion of "bellow" and will let it do the rounds in my mind and yes wait for more comments and suggestions.

Good to know you find that the revisions made by me thus far look better than before.

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

but i have to agree with chrys too. unfortunately, i cant offer a suitable word to replace ' brawl' myself. tell you the truth, i think i'll cry if this is my assignment.

Alid

You said "Not bad". Thanks for saying that, it would push me till it gets good.

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Sorry I couldn't give a critic to this last night. I was half asleep when you posted. I read Chrys's comment and see that you've already tweaked. I should admit that this is a hard bite for me. Filling someone else's imagery is never easy.

At the1st and the 2nd stanzas, the imagery sounds sensible. I like it because there could be many alternatives, and like Stan says, we can't say the imagery is wrong, but indeed one is more effective than the other(s). I especially like the "dim lit barn" and the "oaken"

However the 3rd stanza is another story. I remember I read the original of this poem a while ago. I didn't like the last line then and I re-read it now, but still don't like. I mean I like how you've interpreted "offices" to be related to the family's institution but I still can't find much sense there, so whatever you fill, for me that line won't sound right.

But I applaud your effort indeed. Bask in the moment. You've done a good job.
I am waiting to see what Stan is hiding for me. (((smiles)))

PS..If I didn't show the coming few days, please call 999...Just in case :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Thanks for your observations and comments. I completely agree with you that completing someone else's poem is hard but now from experience I can tell you that it is possible if we follow the tips provided by Stan.Of course it is could be way off compared to the original. I didn't do any google search which would have not served the prupose of this exercise. will se it when Stan is likely to compare the two in due course of time. Read my comment about my approach (in workshop thread) to this assignment which may help you when your turn comes up.

Appreciate your comments about stanza 1 & 2 For me the concluding line of the original poem was the toughest part for sure.

Lets see what Stan has in store for you. He keeps his cards pretty close to his chest :) I liked the way you said "call 999 just in case"...Stan may do that if you don't quickly take up the assignment when it is given..lol..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I have never read this poem and I cant say I like it, what I do see of it, I think within the parameter of the workshop you have done a good job, I will however be interested to read the real poem in its entirety

I cant see anything I could offer but I have to say that last line bothers me "of loves 'sacred' offices" maybe ?

Just a thought

Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

thanks for the read and comment. Well i believe "sacred" would have been out of place considering the mood in the house.

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

can I or I should say may I butt in
that is a great suggestion for that line!
I've read the original and did mot care for the poem at all. however I'm not giving anything away lol

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Thanks I was thinking given the tone of the poem that really it should be brought home even though the atmosphere in the house is harsh the office of father or mother is in actuality a sacred office...

I still haven't read the original so I will be very interested to read it, I am refraining from reading the poems so as not to be prejudiced when I am commenting ...

Jayne xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thanks for butting in ladies. Trusting your acumen I will take a risk and go for Sacred and blame it on you if Stan comes hollering at me.with a "Why did ya change it to Sacred"..LOL

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Just a note to let you know I've read this. But I'll await a few more comments before adding mine...........stan

Yes, I had noted that you had said so in the workshop thread. I will be patient :)

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Offices can also mean duties, which I think is how the writer meant this to be taken. Maybe that will help this poem make more sense..........stan

Well let others catch up as they can

THOSE WINTER SUNDAYS by Robert Hayden

Sundays too my father got up early
and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.

I'd wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.
When the rooms were warm, he'd call,
and slowly I would rise and dress,
fearing the chronic angers of that house.

Speaking indifferently to him,
who had driven out the cold
and polished my good shoes as well.
What did I know, what did I know
of love's austere and lonely offices?

Raj, I think you did pretty well in writing your version considering the paucity of clues you had to guide you. But notice how just a few words or short phrases change the mood of the poem? Particularly in last line of third stanza and 2nd line of first stanza as well as the final line of the poem. I'll now shut up so others can have their say in comparing your version with the original..........stan

Thanks for posting the original, which has put my curiosity to rest for sure but has left me embarrassed searching for cover...lol. . Your words of encouragement though are soothing and a saving grace.

humbly,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I am astonished at the difference a few words makes to the mood of the whole poem, its funny I suggested sacred in the last line after reading the proper version it does fit in my mind...I agree with Stan its not n easy job it may seem easy to some to just fill the spaces but to have cohesion you really have to think about what the poems trying to say

you did a great job Raj... thanks for putting me out of my misery Stan I have to say I have been tempted to look the poems up but I am now glad I waited to read them.

Love Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

somebody should do a workshop on the right word..........

Who are next under your lens Stan? I am eager to see that and the next phase.

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

the best compliment I can give is that the poem does not read as though it had been tinkered with.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thank you for your kind words.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I'll say again that you did well considering the paucity of clues. I think the amount of imagery you inserted was neither too much nor too little. In that respect you did very well. But I also would like to point out that the substituted words did a lot in the way of altering the mood of this poem. The original one starkly described the duty which all fathers are expected to endure, even the harsh fathers, and do so with no expectation of thanks,
In your version what I came away with was a child's fear of a stern father. Both of these interpretations convey strong emotions but the difference between them is pretty vast when one considers how few words were changed. Somebody ought to do a workshop dealing with finding the "perfect" word to convey what one intends lol. Thanks for your participation in this shop.........stan

Many thanks for your elaborate commentary on the WS Poem. Appreciate it a lot.

Best regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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