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Thinking of You... (Story telling in Verse Dramatic Verse WS) Part II

 

While waiting for the 7:30 bus every morning you'd definitely see that lady on her cell phone

(The same words are repeated EVERYDAY)

She:

Good morning my darling

I was thinking of you

Is everything ok

how do you do?

Did you sleep well

please tell me,

How is that teeth-ache

Oh! It's hurting again?

Then maybe it should be removed,
damn that awful pain!

What ? YOU have a secret to share?

I am listening darling,
of course I care!

(you'd hear her loud laughter or sometimes even a giggle before the call goes on)

Oh yeah! Of course I understand!

Nothing's better than giving others a hand.

And how are your studies?

I always wanted to ask.

I know, I know. You've always been Mr. Smart.

Don't worry honey,

I'm a bit lonely but I'll be fine.

I am going now,

Be well,

be always mine.

(She then gives an earnest kiss... and continues)

Good bye my darling,

I'm thinking of you

good bye honey

I love you too.

( switching off her phone)

 

(One day I've got the courage to ask the lady about her repeated calls)

I:

Sorry madam,

I know it is none of my business

but curiosity killed my cat

and wonderment flipped the hat

Who are you talking to every morning

who is that?!

Is it your husband, is it your son?

 

( While trying to answer my query, her tears run )

 

She: ( Whispering softly)

None…

They both have gone.

I'm doing all these calls just for fun.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Please don't feel bored before finishing this... hehehehe
Editing stage: 

Comments

Only after going through the exchange of conversations more than once, one is able to comprehend that the protagonist is a male voice and the undercurrent (as I felt it.....I could be wrong)) suggests that the Protagonist feels compelled to ask the caller if she is calling her husband or son...the episode suggests that the female character in this act is a very caring person and since she has lost both her beloveds has a craving out of sheer habit to inquire about the well being of others...

I could be horribly wrong in my perceptions...even if that is the case I suggest you need to bring coherency to the Act by clearly validating "who is who"....hope I am able to convey the confusion....

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

If you read again, you'll notice only two characters, the lady "she" who is making fake calls every morning because she feels lonely after losing her beloved ones.
The other character is the "I" who was watching her and listening to her while they are waiting for the 7:30 bus.
I've used the italics to show when the "she" voice changed and "I" started to talk.

No more characters are involved.
Please let me know if this is clear

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Rula I stand corrected. Sorry for the disconnect in my mind earlier, now it's clear and makes for a nice read now that the clouds have disappeared. lol..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Once again a good write, It was like some that never erase the messages on their phones, or the answer message, way after those people have left to journey on, just to hear their voice again.
This is life and they will hear the real thing one day as a touch of air in their thoughts, but they will know who talks other than the breeze.
Loved this write as to it's structure ???
Take care out there and look after You, you are very special to those around you,
Yours as always Ian x

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

thank you!
I am happy to know that you like this one. I struggled a bit for a story before I could put down those thoughts.
As for structure, I didn't give it much care in fact, NOT because I don't care (are you listening Mr. Wesley?), but because I thought when we do our phone calls, words come out spontaneous. So I thought free form would work better than structured form, if that makes any sense.
Again many thanks for your gentle thoughts on this one.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

sorry I'm late for this one. I agree with Ian. This is a good write. Sometimes it is hard to let go.

Alid

Never mind. I have submitted few hours earlier this morning.
I am happy you like it.
Please send your mother my salam.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Wow, lonely is real in the piece. It could flow more clearly more smoothly on the phone conversation so we could sense the other person talking though not hearing.

Good morning my darling
I was thinking of you.

Is everything ok

how do you do?

Did you sleep well

please tell me,

How is that teeth-ache

⬆️Here it seems the person on the phone just talks talks talks and the listener on the other end can't get a response in edge wise. Maybe some pause or something where a fake person is sense on the other lol. I can't sense it.
⬇️here I sense the other caller I the word Oh!
Oh! It's hurting again?

(Word showing a response )

Then maybe it should be removed,
damn that awful pain!

⬇️clearly showing other caller responded saying something before this question
What ? YOU have a secret to share?
I am listening darling,
of course I care!

Just an example of what I mean

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perhaps what Rula is really implying is that the caller's response is in her mind and not in the real world. Kinda a re-enactment of a past phone conversation. Its a repetition due to the fact that the caller cannot accept that her loved ones are gone as it has been revealed in the very end of the poem. errr Am I right, Rula?

Alid

perhaps what Rula is really implying is that the caller's response is in her mind and not in the real world. Kinda a re-enactment of a past phone conversation. Its a repetition due to the fact that the caller cannot accept that her loved ones are gone as it has been revealed in the very end of the poem. errr Am I right, Rula?

Alid

Okay, I got that talking to yourself that works.
But yo see somebody on a phone if guess talking to yourself also works.

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Thank you.
Of course Khalid you're right here.
As I cleared the whole call matter is fake. She only pretends that there is someone on the other end BUT in fact there is NO ONE. She feels lonely and therefore she fakes the calls.
Hope this makes some sense.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

It makes sense to me. I've seen fake phone calls then the phone rings. Oops You'd never know they were talking to them self, but if you Lonely and miss someone then you just talk on and on as if talking to someone. I guess plays on the mental state. Maybe I'm much too real

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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or what?
Rula, I thought there was a great deal of poetic form despite your comment to the contrary. Remember meter is not meant to be rigid, but rhythmical. This is. I also like the loose rhyme scheme.
No, this is poetry.
The subject however... considering that I remember when Rula wrote nothing but little ditties of positive nature I don't know if you have perhaps discovered a very dark side of your personality. I don't discourage it, but I do miss the positive Rula. She used to always brighten my days with her simple little poems of encouragement.
The Poet's Refuge seems long ago, doesn't it?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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You asked me to try something "somber" ..... ( still remember the exact words)
BUT , I don't blame anyone or anything other than whatever goes around these days.

Your "Wow" means the world to me. Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Your writing from those first times we read your words to now, well you have broadened your base X 1000 and it is fine, I know that your original works will not be changed in their format.
You have now become a writer of renown also a very good critic, and mentor taking part in workshops etc:
You would not have done this a few years ago, it is lovely to have your knowledge out here helping us.
Take care young Lady and stay as you are in your learning ways, Yours Ian.T x

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thank you again
if I am becoming anything of use, it is because of ALL the lovely people in the Neopoet. And I mean ALL
I can never deny the great role you and others, not to forget my poetic-life long mentor Mr. Wesley, that have all played to put me where I am today.

Really, ALL the words are never enough.
I am grateful.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Yes, that would describe it.
Don't stop writing somber, but don't forget the bright. You excel at it and though we should constantly attempt to work outside our particular box we must always return to what we do best and improve on it.
Perhaps you could write a piece like you used to, but with the technical influence you have gained over the past year or so. Something with lots of colors and flowers and what not, but in... I don't know... sonnet form. You have written some of my all time favorite sonnets that are included in your "collection".
Don't abandon "happy Rula" despite the dark side the world exhibits.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

teeth-ache
could be better as

tooth ache

sad they have not observed it
may be I am too critical for typo

But I could follow
as the twist you gave
made me smile in sadness
glad sooner than later
you'll help her overcome grief
she must be lonely

we all are at times even when amidst

see I read you well...

We all read but can't always leave a comment.
I wonder why tooth ache doesn't work if we are talking about a one specific tooth, what do you think?
I would never whine for not bring intensively read as esch has a special cupof tea

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment
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