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Think of Me, Remember Me

Think of me,
when my voice no longer speaks.
Remember me
when my heart no longer beats

You know I wish
I could keep you company
in a song of bliss
but I'm feeling too weak

When mechanics
help my heartbeats
I will be sick
and close to defeat'

So be my voice
when I am away

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

but I thought dropping the last stanza will make it a more powerful read.
Just thought I'd tell you anyway but it's indeed your decision.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Done the edit. Thanks.

Alid

author comment

I agree with Rula unless you wanted to end on a more light hearted feel.
I'm not sure I understood the below stanza.

When mechanics
help my heart beats,
I will be sick
unless it really fits.

This is more like you. Tense but not raging.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I'm talking about the heart pacer, Wes. See, I got this irregular heartbeat problem and trying to deal with it. Unless I can adapt to it, its gonna make me uncomfortable.

Alid

author comment

Think of me,
when my voice no longer speaks.
Remember me
when my heart no longer beats

You know I wish
I could keep you company
in a song of bliss
but pardon me for I'm too weak' (this line is a tad too long i think, or it may need a rhyme...)

When mechanics
help my heart beats,' (heartbeats - one word might work better here)
I will be sick

ánd then it falls down...
''unless it really fits' just seems to be a struggle for a rhyme and logic is a little lost
one suggestion
When mechanics
help my heart beat
I will be sick
and close to defeat'

then
So be my voice
when I am away' is a good finish
but you might like to look at
'for I've no choice
but to be away' for it just repeats and is not strong enough

all of the above is strictly imo :)
love judy xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

for the suggestions. I've done the edits.

Alid

author comment

A strange reader will not understand, but that's okay. When being judged at the reading of a poem it is not the poet being judged, but the reader. We do not have to be understood always, so long as what we write has meaning.
I liked JudyAnne's critique. It was spot on in numerous ways.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

You are showing remarkable improvement and innovating new ways to express. Like Rula, I too feel that dropping the final stanza would make it work even better. I need to draw your attention to a minor typographical error

but I'm feeking [feeling] too weak

Regards,
.

raj (sublime_ocean)

thanks for the visit and the encouraging words. This is the case of the mind spells correctly but the fingers still spell wrongly.lol.. Alittle worried about the surgery. I wish I don't need the heart pacer.

Alid

author comment

Best wishes for a successful surgery. Take best care and get well soon.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I didn't know. I will pray for you.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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