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TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE (for emotion workshop)

Eyes snap awake in strange dark room
skin covered with a stale cold sweat
whose stench spreads in a rancid plume
among the bedclothes soaking wet

Closed window admits clear moon light
confirming I don't know where the hell I am
Or who is sleeping to my right
it surely isn't my wife Pam

i try to clear my mind's morass
by both slapping and shaking my head
which fails to align my compass
i slowly sit up in the bed

The shifting of my body's weight
causes my mystery mate to stir
and murmure "Are you OK Joe?"
then light snore exits her

Although not Joe, I leave her bed
I still don't recall her or her name
questions swirl in my tired head
like some cruel memory game

Because I KNOW my name is Steve
I have a young son and a wife
and drive a Beamer I believe
I lead a staid and stable life

The only men's clothes in the room
are biker boots, jacket and faded jeans
which I don in the dark gloom
as my mind spins and the world leans

As the door clicks behind me
vertigo makes me nearly fall
and collapse down on bended knee
on Steve's memories the curtains fall
.........
Eyes snap open in the dark
I arise in the littered hall
then smile at the just passed sex lark
she's just a cheap whore after all

I, Joe, leave the old brownstone
and check the wallet in my pants
driver's liscence resides there alone
the name is Steve Hilson---
again my world begins to dance

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
This is supposed to convey the confusion felt by those who have multiple personality disorder
Editing stage: 

Comments

I believe you've captured the complex mood of confusion really well with pretty
good use of both rhythm and rhyme. NOW I feel really sorry for Joe....NO, I mean Steve. :)

One little tiny suggestion..
I think you should find a substitute for the dashes to show that you've shifted to a new interval
may be saying ' two hours later' or ' the time passed'...but it is oK as it is, just a thought to keep the
poetic line on.
Well done !!
What my name was?!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

sorry

author comment

I had considered using a triple line spacing to illustrate the disconnect. I think Any verbal depiction might be a mistake but I'll give it due thought when I edit...................stan

author comment

I found it unfamiliar of you to use an archaic word like 'thine'.I know it is intentional 100% . Just wondering.

S6.......I know my "name"

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Those cursed typos will be the death of me lol. Good thing I have many eagle eyes to spot them. Thank you. As to Thine....can't be changed as the title is a direct quotation............stan

author comment

I think Rula is losing this plot,
A good write I hope you'll be alright
When the evening steals you away
What you are doing I think the names must stay.
Or the press will get hold of you and ruin that lovely life lol
Just the "Y" to return in the line:- Because I KNOW mt name is Steve.
The two lines in this stanza can be shortened:-
Closed window clear moon light
I don't know where the hell I am
Or who is sleeping to my right
it surely isn't my wife Pam..
What say you!!
A good workshop piece for split personality, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Hmm... I'll give shortening those lines some thought but my initial thought is that unless really choppy, short lines don't convey confusion as well as a longer one can.............stan

author comment

I suggested the shorter lines to balance the poem, but just put it down to us being picky..
Have a lovely day out there, with all our love Sparrow,Yenti, Ian.T and Spuggy, the children and especially Sadie.
Just for Rula she is sleeping lol

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I haven't lost the plot, I am just so confused after reading Stan's. Now I don't know Stan from Ian or Sparrow from Yenti.LOL

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Fear not that names are changed and memories fail.
It is age that brings these things to us at the tolling of the bell LOL
An Edit here and there of your comment not true will make sense to the reader other than just you.
Have a lovely day out there, with all our love Sparrow,Yenti, Ian.T and Spuggy, the children and especially Sadie.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

There are some minor flaws but overall you conveyed the confusion and terror of waking up in a situation completely alien to you. Kudos.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

I can feel the confusion
its a really good read didn't catch
the rhythm til halfway thru

Alone we shall find our ways into worlds of never imagined discoveries

Thank you. I reckon the rhythm being unobtrusive is a good thing.............stan

author comment

I think you did a really good job on this one. I did find some logic issues and a few places where the language could be addressed, but these are secondary to your achievment. If you would like for me to expound, would be more than happy to.

Scot

Scott

Some of the logic issues were intentional to refleck the confusion of missing segments of each personality's memory. But There may well be some which are accidental so expound away ................stan

author comment
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