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They'll Call Me Champ

Submitted by brittle light on Tue, 2017-07-18 23:47

I don't like waiting
but I can do it.
Sometimes it's a struggle
but I can do it.

Most of us can;
no whining or fussing.
As kids, we probably got the shit slapped out of us
if we got too squirmy.
It's one of life's main lessons;
shut up and wait

But every once in awhile
some asshole starts acting up,
hissing-fitting about his precious time,
or the incompetency of a clerk, or waiter.

Don't you just want to knock jerks like that out cold?
I've always felt the inclination.
One day I probably will.
I'll get applause, and cheers, and pats on the back.
That's just how people are,
and I'll feel good.

The ride to the police station will probably
take some of the piss and vinegar out of me,
but I'll always have that glorious memory.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

riotface97

Fri, 2017-07-21 06:32

riotface97's picture
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The first thing that struck me when reading this piece was a sense of starkness and honesty to the persona, which I really liked. I always find it difficult to provide feedback on poems, as it's such a subjective thing. However, I felt like you could possibly utilise the strength of the persona a little more. It seemed like the piece was building up to an epiphanic or non-epiphanic moment that never fully arrived. I wanted to see more of the persona that was initially set-up, which only speaks to the strength of your writing. The first stanza was probably my favourite, and I feel maybe a return to that raw openness that was achieved could benefit. Thanks for the read, and I look forward to coming across more of your work in the future.

Nicholas.

brittle light

Sat, 2017-07-22 01:21

brittle light's picture

yes, I agree with your assessment.
I've noticed this same predicament on many of my pieces; starting with a particular voice or feeling and then have it quickly drift into blandy blah blah blah. I think it may come from worrying to much about the content; telling the 'story'.

I am so glad you pointed this out. I almost started to believe I could get away with it, that no one would notice, but you did. Thanks for spotlighting this issue.

much appreciated,

Al

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