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They Don't Know, They Shouldn't
as stars burn out when night is day
her heart takes fleeting beat
i walk with glass embedded heels
and blame my careless feet
the girl walks 'round with green and red
she'll have her choice in men
and yet she yearns for more and more
her fingers greed 'til then
she said one day might hold for us
a love of different kinds
i wonder if she too is plagued
in her heart and her mind
i hold this sickness in my health
because what can i say?
i keep a bottle deep inside
let another turn away
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words:
cryptic, i think. but it makes sense to me ;)
Editing stage:
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Comments
William Saint George
Thu, 2012-03-01 16:49
Cryptic. You're right.
But the first stanza made me smile. A big smile. That was awesome. It sounded really wise. Then all meaning seems to flee from the second stanza onward, though I can glean a little meaning from it.
Without a little clarification, I doubt I can make complete sense out of it. The last stanza feels more removed from the previous two. I don't get the significance of the bottle, but it does look to me like holding on to past hurts/mistakes.
Theme-wise, is there a theme? lol, that was a joke. I can't get anything very consistent, though it clearly speaks of love in some sensual form. O and it is from a woman's perspective.
Great poem.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
emogothgirl
Fri, 2012-03-02 14:55
well...
you know when a friend says "what about you and me? as in, experimenting?" yup. thats it. the bottle is keeping in emotions, that kind of thing. i'm glad you got most of it though, nice.
thanks,
mag
Eduardo Cruz
Thu, 2012-03-01 17:23
emo
storing it away as a protection to your own heart. for me love a two sided the warm tenderness and the pain of wanting more when it;s gone. I enjoyed it, as you use to different charcters here, one in the beginning and another at the end it gave the poem to different propectives. great write, thank you for sharing.
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
emogothgirl
Fri, 2012-03-02 14:56
eddie
i definitely agree on how you see love; i'm currently in the stage of wanting more!
thanks,
mag
Starlight
Thu, 2012-03-01 20:42
Mar geerrrr ittt
:P i swear youve got me in a trance. your wonderful.
emogothgirl
Fri, 2012-03-02 14:57
tee ha!
this is what you couldn't tell anyone; emily knows about the other stuff. i just kinda decided not to tell you this...
thanks,
MARGARET
loved
Thu, 2012-03-01 22:25
To me it gives a sense of multiplication
. To me it gives a sense of multiplication
of varied sexual ornamentation\
and the gals desires of variety
ends in utter frustration
gals don't realise their folly
unless they are actaully taken
by multimen
then they lose
the charm of semen
and orgasm
loved
emogothgirl
Fri, 2012-03-02 14:59
mmmmhmmm
this girl is extremely confused with what she wants. hopefully she won't have to give herself away to find that.
thanks,
mag
loved
Fri, 2012-03-02 23:30
hope she hasn't already
which seems inevitable
unless guided
loved
emogothgirl
Fri, 2012-03-02 23:33
ah goodness
i friggin hate drama. drama drama drama! shes all about it! yuck! i know she hasn't but i hope it doesn't get that far.
loved
Fri, 2012-03-02 23:51
I didn't mean to annoy you,sorry
but do read my poem published by a USA poet
'SAY IT AIN'T SO'
''You Just Can't '
It is revealing
loved
emogothgirl
Fri, 2012-03-02 23:55
:)
no, shes the annoying one, i promise. thanks.
Candlewitch
Fri, 2012-03-02 10:57
hello,
I read William Saint George's comments and I have to agree with them. I much liked these lines:
she said one day might hold for us
a love of different kinds
i wonder if she too is plagued
in her heart and her mind
the whole piece seems to me to hold a deep dark secret mystery, I like that!
always, eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
emogothgirl
Fri, 2012-03-02 15:00
eddy!
i thought he might like this. and yes, i've let you in on a very dark little secret... ;)
thanks,
mag
scribbler
Fri, 2012-03-02 16:00
hello
Good treatment of a seldom covered topic. Got a few suggestions you might consider :
L-8 try her fingers grasp with greed till then (for clarity)
L-10 try of a different kind (closer rhyme)
L-13 change hold to bear
L-32 tell scribbler to kiss off lol............stan
emogothgirl
Fri, 2012-03-02 20:42
stan
nonsense man! annoying critique is always appreciated :) :P
thanks,
mag
lowdownlady
Fri, 2012-03-02 23:21
good grief, lady, i love it
good grief, lady, i love it
emogothgirl
Fri, 2012-03-02 23:23
:)
you're not so bad yourself lady!
thanks,
mag
Roscoe Lane
Sat, 2012-03-03 05:51
Great poem,
Great poem, i had a few ideas about certain lines. But i believe the way you've written this is adding to the charm of the poem. beautiful . Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
emogothgirl
Sat, 2012-03-03 19:32
roscoe
thanks for stopping by!
mag