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There Was

There was a hundred acres
Covered impressively , humbly
In baby green grass. Perfect in height,
Perfect in toe wiggly softness.
Sprinkled in baby blues, buttered yellows,
Sweetened orange and oh so vivid violet.

There was a hill in the center of a hundred acres.
And the stone found there read:
"She loved her children till it hurt."
It hurt for a life time and nary a twinge
Would she alter.

She loved her children with agonizing wonder.
And some things will just never change.
There was a billion acres
Covered impressively, humbly with stones
That read: "They left their tears for the children"

Because there will be no acres for them.

By K. Mulroney

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

that you had left a last-word, because I am not sure what the ultimate end idea is. I think I get that there will be no land to leave these children, so what is/was left is the tears. Maybe you could expand on that idea a bit? ~ Geezer.
.

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Hi Geezer, thanks for reviewing. Can I ask a favor? Could you go a bit deeper into what you mean? I aim to make readers think about what I write. This is mostly symbolism, but I am very interested on get further in your thoughts on this. As u see it's still in a drafting mode. ANY assistance to help open my eyes to the thoughts of others would help me expand. And that can only help in my novel and helping revise a novella I have done and sent into Elery Queen and they are tough. It was turned down and I sent it off to a pretty successful author in that genre. He gave me a wonderful review considering it was my first writing other than poetry. That was in 2007 and I stare at that draft and can't bring myself to start the revision.
So any help here will ultimately trickle down to all I write. I never had a mentor, something I sorely miss, need and want. Till I find them, people like you help me see. I was not ever this open to criticism before. All these years I feel as though I threw away what could have been the best of me by taking criticism as a personal attack. No more of that. So any further description of ur review and suggestion would be open arms welcome.

Thank you, looking forward to more.

author comment

Hi Geezer, thanks for reviewing. Can I ask a favor? Could you go a bit deeper into what you mean? I aim to make readers think about what I write. This is mostly symbolism, but I am very interested on get further in your thoughts on this. As u see it's still in a drafting mode. ANY assistance to help open my eyes to the thoughts of others would help me expand. And that can only help in my novel and helping revise a novella I have done and sent into Elery Queen and they are tough. It was turned down and I sent it off to a pretty successful author in that genre. He gave me a wonderful review considering it was my first writing other than poetry. That was in 2007 and I stare at that draft and can't bring myself to start the revision.
So any help here will ultimately trickle down to all I write. I never had a mentor, something I sorely miss, need and want. Till I find them, people like you help me see. I was not ever this open to criticism before. All these years I feel as though I threw away what could have been the best of me by taking criticism as a personal attack. No more of that. So any further description of ur review and suggestion would be open arms welcome.

Thank you, looking forward to more.

author comment

that I don't have a clear idea of what the goal of your poem is. I need something to hang your symbolism on, something that will give me a reference. It frequently happens that in using symbolism and metaphor, that we lose sight of the fact that some things mean different things to others. Give us a salient fact to hang our suppositions on. Don't make the reader do all the work of translating your work. I don't think that I can be clearer than that. I hope that this helps. ~ Geezer.
.
P.S. I find it hard to put the two words impressively and humbly together, unless there is a but in between them.
.

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The first 2 stanzas create a lovely and very specific sketch in the mind of (this) reader. Physical and visually, it exists. The loneliness of the stone ((implies tombstone of course) among the hundred acres of grass and wildflowers and the implied loneliness/sacrifice of motherhood. Not sure about the archaic last lines there, feel a bit forced as the only such lines in the poem, which is more conversational, with good alliterations.
The second stanza seems to be following to expand to universal with a similar message on their stones, followed by the last line, which to me is an enigma.
I can't find a link to any symbolism here. The only guess I can take is that the poem is hiding behind a message of what type of planet we are leaving, "there will be no acres for them" ..
but that is a stretch as the poem has not set me up to go there.
I very much like the first stanza, just nice flow of words and colors.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

had the vision of a cemetery with the colors mentioned as bouquets of flowers left by mourners, but the rest of this poem just threw me off. Thank you for expressing what I wasn't able to and maybe giving better perspective. ~ Geezer.
.

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