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That's MY Girl !

I shall not bring you roses
for wild are your ways.
a woman without fancies,
what sets your heart ablaze?

a cactus plant won't stand a chance
against your prickly barbs.
sunflowers would be gobbled up
strictly for the carbs.

a large leaf philodendron
you'd craft into a bag.
skunky cabbage, queen Ann's lace,
either one would make you gag.

so I offer you this Bowie knife
as token of my love;
a befitting gift for who you are.
fuck tradition!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

a Killer girl! We loved it! Nothing to change here. You seem to have upped your game lately and I wonder about where you have been and what you were doing! LOL As good and better as anything I've seen from you. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

only time will tell. Up until this point, just an outdoorsy girl., playing in the woods and fields, hiking the trails, and stuff like that...but... one can never be too safe around some women!

I was less hasty with this piece, and I did recognize that It got better, overall, as the extra time was put in. Perhaps a lesson I should remember...slow down!

I'm happy you enjoyed it. thank you

Al

author comment

Apart from a question mark, you completely eschew all punctuation. I am not at all sure what that is about but it does not help in putting thoughts over accurately. Otherwise I quite like this with the one nit that women should be singular. As to the last line, it is a physical impossibility.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

punctuation: I think I agree for straight forward structured poems, though not as much for abstract free verse where open interpretation is a plus at times.

I took your advise on this piece...does it help?

as to the last line...are you being sarcastic, literal, don't understand colloquial speech or simply don't like the word "fuck" in poetry.

anyway, I'm glad you quite like this one.

thanks for your thoughts,

Al

author comment

much improved but don't you believe in starting sentences with a capital letter? No, I don't approve of using fuck in any form of communication except where it applies to the act of sexual intercourse. I am prudish enough to believe that when a word has a specific meaning, then that is how a reader should be able to interpret it. As to abstract verse, I take your point. It is something I am particularly poor at. In fact I have just signed up for a workshop I hope will be able to help me.

PS; I would not have responded as I did if I thought I was talking about abstract free verse, this poem appears very structured to me.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Until someone points something out, i.e. capitalizing sentences, I don't think past my default mode. I have no reason Not to capitalize, or any reason to do so, other than someone else's opinion or tradition, though I'm sure there is a practical reason behind the general rule (clarity?)

the poem here is labled "structured western" in the style/type section.
I was the cause of the confusion by stating that I took your advise about the punctuation...I should have said "I should take my own advise" (since this is a structured poem. (still confusing...oh well, it's my natural state of being, so I'm good)

Most words (I'm guessing) have multiple meanings and usages. That is all I can come up with in rationalizing the use of the "F-word"

thanks for your time, insights, and feedback.

Al

author comment

is a wonderful thing. I would never wish to say anything that appears to diminish that for anyone. As to having a problem with words that have multiple meanings, again no problem but as for a word with an infinity of meanings, no I'm afraid I can't get my head around that. In the verse in question, I tend to read the meaning as, to Hell with tradition, or something similar.

A fucking poem
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
fuck fuck
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Take any meaning you wish from any or all those fucks and whatever it happens to be, it is perfectly correct.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Ha! You accidentally (I think) fell into a morphing poem lol. I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. And I agree that some women .......well, flowers and "girly" stuff would be wasted on them. Now punctuation....I always try to write in a manner in which the pauses that punctuation supplies occur naturally even if no punctuation is used. Alas, few of my poems ever reach such a level of skill. So after I write them I've started going back and adding punctuation and capitalization mainly to make it easier on the reader. A period and then a capital at the beginning of next sentence gives a reader a chance to pause and reflect without having to wonder whether they are going to lose a train of thought while doing so. Just a few thoughts from an old fart who likely doesn't know squat about poetry lol.....stan

so many of the rules, regulation, and tradition in life seemed arbitrary to me as a younger man.
I scoffed at most of them until I started noticing the practicality behind their genesis.
Now, I'm a pretty standard kind of guy, not as rebellious, but still quite stubborn about some things. I eventually come around when it becomes so apparent that I'm tilting at windmills.

Capitalization is my new raison d'etre!

I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. Thanks for your input on this matter.

p.s. some people make beautiful music without knowing a thing about music theory...as do some poets

thanks again

Al

author comment

nature girls...I tagged along with many
how they would love a knife...
I like ur writing style very much
my poem books from torontos second hand stores
oft had no punctuation
and often friends would let me read
their handscribed works
school..work..on the road..
the voice is strong
enough to put in pauses
and exclamations
capitals..
for me anyways...

and I love the found notes
graffitti hand flyers laying
about all over..
like a radio at night
that skips and hisses
that I once enjoyed
landing in that joyous
circus and carnival
flair
overhearing conversations
sitting with others
walking along...

thank U

we skim, and peruse
some bits are useful and used,
some shrugged
none are useless

we learn, unlearn, and relearn
different climes, different attire
different times, different styles

presentations of yesteryear
are often unfit for the present

change is required
we learn, and unlearn
and relearn again....or get bounced like a 3rd rate bull rider

thanks for your thoughts

Al

author comment
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