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That's Heaven for Me
You imagine you are running up on a cliff.
So green and nice.
No one else,
No worries.
Just sky, maybe a few mountains,
And mist in the distance you can get lost in.
No troubles can reach you.
You want to stay in that place as long as you can.
That’s heaven for me.
All you can see is the world doing its thing
right in front of you
You can just sit there and watch
The clouds float,
It’s like a journey to Neverland,
That’s my peace.
Soft grass, in big clothing, to keep you protected from
the chill breeze.
Maybe some snow layered on top of the mountains
It has all the worlds wonders.
We want safety and peace
Because that’s Heaven for me.
But don’t cram it all in
Because we can come again tomorrow.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction):
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2020-04-02 14:00
Maybe...
you could change it up a little and say; "You can just sit there and watch"? It makes it a bit more personal for the reader.
Which is what I think you are trying to do with this piece. A sleight breeze doesn't seem to be enough to want protection from.
maybe you could say: A brisk breeze or a chill breeze? Something like that.
Safety
Piece or Peace?
Maybe : Maybe you did mean piece? For me that could signify you having doubts about your safety and peace.
I would suggest that you use the first line of the last verse as the last line and add a little something like:
We want safety and peace
Because that's Heaven for me
But don't cram it all in
Because we can come again tomorrow.
These are just suggestions, don't feel compelled to use anything and feel free to make your own changes.
I really like what you are doing and hope that you don't feel offended.
Welcome to Neopoet and I hope that you have a great time with us. Enjoy the site.
~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Laura M
Fri, 2020-04-03 18:12
Thanks for the help
As this is the first poem I've shared I appreciate the suggestions and have used some of them.
Much appreciated
- Laura
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2020-04-03 19:29
Glad to help...
I hope that I didn't give you too much critique for your first poem her. I think you will do very well. Take your time and learn from what you see here and you will have the advantage of having a community that cares about the poet. Nice job, Remember that it is your work and you can accept or reject any and all comments and advice and use your own ideas. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.