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Thanks Again Mom...

My mom thanked me for coming
I told her it's my honor
I don't get there often
But, she knows I love her

Grandkids and great grandkids
Coming through the door
My sisters and my nieces
Her room can't hold much more

I see her through old eyes myself
I'm pushing seventy-one
Remembering when she was spry
Still dancing, having fun

She taught me how to Jitterbug
Do a Charleston step or two
How to treat a lady
And when dating what to do

So hard to see her hurting
I wish that it weren't so
But she smiles and says I love you
When it's time to go

As I drive away this time
My eyes a little wet
I'm thinking of the times gone by
I never will forget

So Happy Mother's Day, dear Mom
This family stays in touch
I'll see you soon, I promise
We love you very much

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
A Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there! Thank you for the push Jon.
Editing stage: 

Comments

You have a great foundation, I would like it to include something specific, something that brings to mind a circumstance I shared or wish I shared. Currently, it is an introduction. It need not be longer, just more poignant with a translatable hook to make the reader think.

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Jonathan Moore

Annoying the world, one person at a time

(Group discounts available)

I understand what you are saying, and I have a thought on it. Thank you for the solid critique and subsequent idea. ~ Gee.
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Did I get the circumstance and/or shared experience? ~ Gee.
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Exactly what I was looking for, a solid connection, it was visceral.

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Jonathan Moore

Annoying the world, one person at a time

(Group discounts available)

Again, thanks for the push! It was what I was going for, but didn't quite get. It was your critique that let me make it better. As a matter of fact, when I read it over the phone to my sister, who is in another state and couldn't get here for Mother's Day; she cried and had to leave the phone. [One time that I have actually been proud to have made my sister cry]. ~ Gee.
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It's clear, down to earth, and heart felt, I like it very much. And being so descriptive, even in the confines of rhyme, makes it very evocative.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

and the challenge to make a poem work within the confines of it without the rhyme seeming to be forced. Sometimes, I get it right off the bat, but the there are times when I need a push like Pugilist gave me. This an example of the things that good critique can do for the writer. Thank you for your critique and comments. It is particularly satisfying to receive such praise for something that does come from the heart. ~ Geezer.
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Comments and critique are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment
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