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Tete a Tete [Blended with Sunku]
[He said]
Let me
feel essence
of your poem
[She whispered]
Wade with
me through
these wild flowers
[Together]
They smelled
caressed
her maiden poem
[When she blushed]
It felt
like wild bursts
of poppy seeds
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
Last few words:
This is an attempt to express blossoming emotions between the lines. I am really not aware if words in parenthesis are an acceptable norm in writing poetry and if they have served the intended purpose
Editing stage:
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Comments
swamp-witch
Tue, 2018-03-20 21:00
Hey Raj,
I personally love parentheses or brackets in poetry. I think of them as the poet or narrator's thoughts, whispers, or messages directly to the reader. I think they served this poem well.
Walt Whitman seemed rather fond of them in them 1800s (you can see his entire collection "Leaves of Grass" for free at Project Gutenberg: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/1322/1322-h/1322-h.htm, so I think it safe to say parentheses or brackets are accepted as normal!
If I could make a suggestion, I think "burst" in the last stanza should be "bursts". I think the plural there would improve the flow of the poem. Since the syllable count is restricted in sunku, you couldn't write "a burst" but "burst" alone seems to stop too short somehow. But the plural would still fit the syllable count and make up for the lack of "a" that our brains might otherwise expect.
Hope that makes sense!
Kelsey
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raj
Wed, 2018-03-21 03:51
Hi Kelsey
Thanks for the read, your comment and clarification. Good to know that use of Parentheses is an acceptable thing. Thanks for providing the link too.
Your suggestion about bursts is spot on and i shall make the necessary change. It's always good to read your comment.
Warmly..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentIRiz
Wed, 2018-03-21 15:53
Great poem, my friend!
Great poem, my friend!
IRiz
raj
Wed, 2018-03-21 16:06
Many thanks friend IRiz for
Many thanks friend IRiz for the read and appreciative comment. Coming from the likes of you means a lot.
Warmly...
raj (sublime_ocean)
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