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terminal velocity
Drenched in heavy morning rain
Like an arctic soaking to the vein;
I just sat there stunned and wordless,
by the results of endless tests.
Only do I seek the scoffer's sympathy;
my litanies dot the bottom of this timpani.
No restaurant on high street offers...
Whoa! I found where my sanity rests:
A very comforting hand takes mine,
The other hand by her child as well.
I draw dry ice sculptures in my mind,
While a hawk’s screech rings overhead.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
From a word bank challenge given by Gene. I hope it rises up to the challenge. Every person has many wishes. A cancer patient has only one: to get better. In honour of those that have lost their battle with cancer, are still fighting the battle, or have beaten it!!!
Let's see some "constructivity" in our web-famed critiquing here at neo. 10-02-2011.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Lenny of Cohen
Tue, 2010-11-09 10:41
powerful
and evocative imagery. I love this write!
Namaste,
Lenny
_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent
Wei Wu Wei
crypticbard
Fri, 2010-11-12 07:04
thanks lenny
you words of comment are always welcome and you are much appreciated. Cheers, CB
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
author commentHooded Stranger
Fri, 2010-11-12 13:49
CB
CB,
this was a good read...it seemed somewhat abstract to me and that was what kept me intriged with it.
I would like to know why you named it 'Terminal Velocity'...as that felt an even more abstract part of the write.
Be careful with using lines about you being 'wordless'...especially at the beginning of a write...because if you are wordless, then there shouldn't be any more words to read!! Lol! I only say this because I wrote, what I thought was a near perfect song and the opening lines were:
With your hands round my neck
You choke the words right out of my throat.
My music partner had great delight in telling me that if I was choked of words then the music afterwards could just be an instrumental!!
I did like your piece, but I am not sure exactly why yet.
cheers,
HS
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crypticbard
Sun, 2010-11-14 06:52
HS, let's try to make this less abstract
Hopefully it will not make you less intrigued. :-) The title is a bit of a play with the concept of physics and the prospect of the terminus of one's life... full speed into what the future holds while being held back in a moment of time. I suspect a possible reason why it came across abstract stems from its inception as a word bank poem. I began writing it randomly out of the words that were supplied and found that it formed itself around a battler with cancer - the point in time when the persona discovered they indeed had cancer. The wordlessness here seems out of place as it was written in retrospect, and flows in an erractic, disjointed manner, as reflected in the second stanza.... when verses run into others, making it feel even more abstract. I have know added a short note to the post and hopefully makes it a bit clearer what is going on in the poem and in the poetic persona's mind. I suppose I can only offer the reader to use the visuals in this poem and run it like a short film as it unfolds in the reading.
At the end of all this, I thank you for sharing openly how you went in your journey with this poem. I can only wish that at the end of this reply you would have found out exactly what made you like this piece and like it still. Chees, CB
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
author commentKailashana2
Thu, 2011-02-10 06:55
Hi CB, speaking of..... I
Hi CB, speaking of..... I know Lenny was dealing with the big C, does anyone know of his whereabouts... Sometimes I'm afraid to ask.....
I think this is one of those poems that really needs the*Last Few Words* commentary to fully understand and enjoy the poem...even if its subject matter is extremely difficult. Cancer affects nearly every family. My mom died of stomach/esophagus cancer. It was horrible yet a beautiful time we shared.
As Lenny says, the gift of life is that we are here to take advantage of trying to do better day after day and life is nothing short of terminal velocity. I appreciate this write, CB, because it opens me even though I'd rather not.
~A
crypticbard
Thu, 2011-02-10 08:10
Quite a quandary,
Really, as I haven't heard from Lenny in a while. So I am not much help on that matter.
I too have lost several family members to the big C. And most of them quite quickly so we weren't able to 'redeem the time' and thereby were unable to use those precious last moments to seize the days. Quite sad, really. Not to mention the fact that with such a medical history I may quite possibly end up in like manner. Guess I better be writing more for posterity's sake. With each poem we gift humanity with a bit our ourselves. Is it a wonder we don't, after having written so many poems, just wither away into nothing!
I am so sorry to hear about your mum... and in the same thought thankful that you had 'beautiful time shared,' and that may be what matters most in relationships.
Most humbly and respectfully yours, CB.
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
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