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Telescopically

I love you telescopically –
No, I do not speak of stars,
Though, my love, where’er you are
Each sunbeam is a galaxy.

But, dearest, telescopic means
A love that is all of me,
And beyond what I can be
So that my love is bursting seams.

My love reaches the greatest heights
And finds that you are higher.
My love’s a wakened fire
That dances with the Northern Lights.

My love is wider than the seas
But seeing you are the sky
My love would take wing and fly
To soar beyond the galaxies.

I love you telescopically,
For my love is just an eye
Turned to view the boundless sky
In awe of your infinity.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I am most concerned with the meter of this one. I know the beat is perfect, but the meter . . . it doesn't feel free enough. Edit: Thanks to Geezer for his insightful critique.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I for one love your telescopic poem and I'm still trying to figure out why you should raise concerns about the meter. So, it may not be 100% of what you had in mind, but it is interesting and quite romantic. As said before--I love your poem. If you don't like it, just sign it over to me, lol. It's all good. I like the grammar and punctuation. Jerry

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>Please visit my website: www.jerrykspoetry.com

Thank you! I am glad you enjoyed it. :)
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

the difference between having a smooth meter and one that is perfect.
Like you explained to me about missing a couple of beats, yet having power.
I am surprised that you do not see this in your own work.

If in fact, you are concerned with keeping a strict meter,
use words that do not distract from it.

Example: Last line of the first stanza, you use the word sunray. I stumbled over this
and would have used a word that one expects to see, like [sunbeam].

If you insist on using punctuation like commas at the end of a line, do not use all caps in starting your sentences.
[Another distraction].

Last line of second stanza: I would use bursting seams, not [splitting].

Third line of third stanza: I would use [seething, searing, frantic etc. [kindled]
is an awkward word [k] sound.

First line of fourth stanza: Using [spreads] is a subtle connotation of pushing apart.
I would use something like [is] a simple word that just is.

I would totally discard the fifth stanza as it does nothing for the poem as a whole and needs some
interpretation.

There you go again, using that word [spreading], use something like [infinite]

As you know by now, my advice and critique is yours to use or discard as you please.
I hope that I have been a help to you. ~ Geez.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
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Very interesting, your point of not using unusual words to distract from the meter. That is actually something I had never considered. Thank you! I will take all of your critiques into consideration. They are deeply appreciated.
Question: Is it really part of poetry style to either use capitalization OR punctuation? I notice that in formatting of Shakespeare's, Longfellow's or Scott's poetry they almost always have both.
And, yeah, you're right about the fifth stanza. Thing is I have two other poems called "Microscopically" and "Introspectively" that have similar messages with different perspectives. All three of these have matching structures. I will discard the fifth stanza. Do you have any suggestions at all on what I could do for the replacement, theme-wise? I confess I only wrote that extra one because I couldn't think of anything else. XD
Ehem, my vocabulary is not as far-SPREAD as I could like. ;)
Thank you so much for your detailed critique! It has enormously helped.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

on the replacement for that fifth stanza. I have never noticed the thing about having both commas and Capitals in Shakey's, Longfellow' or Scott's works. Hmmmmm. I understand about using punctuation in the line itself, but when you use a comma and then with the next line, use a capital, I think it distracts from the line. Of course, I had to learn to adjust to the poetry of modern times, myself. Being "old school" and knowing how to write "Script" and never having a computer until I went to community-college about twenty- five years ago; tells you a little about having to make adjustments to the way people write these days. BTW, the computers of twenty years ago were like sweeping the floor with a tooth-brush compared to the ones of today.
Anyway, you do as you please and don't bother about it; if it makes you happy and no one else complains... ~ Geez.
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Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

I have to confess, i didnt ever study poetry i mainly write free verse, so i cannot comment on meter, but i like what i've seen so far of your work and your critique on other work, you stand out to be a great asset to neo. I cant wait to see more. The galaxy is smiling tonight with every star in the sky smiling!

Thank you...Teddy

Thank you so much! I am thrilled that you enjoy my poetry.
(Don't tell anybody, but I haven't formally studied poetry either ;) )
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

Dear Thalassa, I love your telescopic poem. The meter has already been critiqued above, so I have nothing to add. The title, spacing, theme and all the rest are absolutely wonderful.
Bring on more, I learn from you and the commentators.
All the best, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Thank you! I am so glad you enjoyed Telescopically and have had a chance to learn from the commentators.
(and I love that quote in your signature)
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment

a beautiful write yet I would tend to echo Gee's assessment of your poem the emotion comes through loud and clear

Our chat room is not only there for Thursday afternoon chat 3:30-4:30
but it is there and ready for all to use at anytime of day come often and hook up in conversation to those across the globe

Thanks! So glad you enjoyed it. :) Yeah, Gee's assessment was really, really good.
~

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

author comment
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