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tarnished dreaming (mindful, memorable freeform workshop)
bright red mortality
spews onto old-ochre dirt
as guilelessness pools
into the dreamtime drawing
black skin sweats tears
in the shade-less midday sun
while lean dusty limbs
are chiselled into the foetal position
in a paroxysm of agony and fear
the sugar sack lies open
its contents
innocuously white
mixing to a gentle pink
with the spreading tide
of crimson death
a station-owner’s gift
to the colours of the dreaming
arsenic’s metal-grey
effects its cause
.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Western Australia
Favorite Poets
Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story
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Comments
China Blue
Tue, 2012-08-28 11:15
Judy Ann
This is wonderfully descriptive. Your use of words is defined. It was so easy to visualize .
very profound writing
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
judyanne
Tue, 2012-08-28 12:37
hi chrys
thanks very much for the very supportive comment
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentjudyanne
Wed, 2012-08-29 00:21
a poem that needs an audience that knows the history perhaps?
thanks beau
back in the days when Australia was being settled by Europeans, it is a known fact that some station owners put arsenic in the tea and sugar that they gave to the aborigine who lived on their land…
and the dreaming i am speaking of is the aboriginal dreamtime
does the poem and the ending make more sense now?
I really appreciate your take on this write –
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentscribbler
Tue, 2012-08-28 18:11
howdy
a bit of alliteration and a boat load of metaphor and easily understood metaphor at that. Hmmm... maybe say gradually or slowly mixing in line 13..................stan
judyanne
Tue, 2012-08-28 23:58
thaks stan
your comments and thoughts are appreciated
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-30 05:22
I get the feeling you are writing from knowledge
rather than experience. Tell me if I'm wrong.
In that first stanza the use of the word 'vomit', why?
I don't know your experience of the outback, I have lived there, but this poem, though strong, feels like writing about what you don't know.
It's good, of course, you are good, but it bothers me in a way that would be offensive to describe.
Strong, perhaps memorable to others.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
judyanne
Thu, 2012-08-30 07:32
jess I don’t really know what
jess I don’t really know what you are saying re knowledge and experience
if you mean I have seen the way an aborigine would look lying in the outback, 150 years ago, dying from acute arsenic poisoning (or anyone anywhere for that matter) then no – it is not experience.
the use of ‘vomit’ in the first stanza was to clarify it as that, and because I feel there is a violence in the word … on reading your comment, are you saying I make that clear with just the word ‘spews’? Anyway, I've removed it as i think i have made the more important point of the line more clear with the word change of 'guileless' to 'guilelessness'
That ‘way that would be offensive to describe? Do you mean offensive to me, or to all in general? lol – jess don’t stand on your hands if just for me, this is shark pool isn’t it?
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-30 07:51
Just let me say
as a white person writing, despite all your compassion, you don't know what you are talking about, and so I feel it doesn't work for this workshop.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
judyanne
Thu, 2012-08-30 08:11
I’m not sure that that is a
I’m not sure that that is a fair comment
it prejudices my right to write about the white/black problem because I am white
so can you tell me why you didn’t read the poem as perhaps the persona being a white person with a little knowledge of the aborigine dreamtime (white as that knowledge may be) coming across this scene?
can you see where you think the write went wrong there?
thanks jess
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-30 08:16
umm this is going to sound.... weird
but I have seen Aboriginal "magic", "spirituality" work. It is real. I would never fuck with it. I worked on the movie "We of the Never Never" and whenever the white crew screwed with Aboriginal spirituality bad things happened. I am a complete atheist, but also believe in the power of the mind.
So when I crit your poem I do it from a belief that you have not seen terrible things happen when ghost gums were cut down to make way for a camera.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Sun, 2012-09-02 23:52
oh dear, my comments have been egocentric and unhelpful
On this latest reading it struck me with a great deal of power.
But yes, it does need the historical context for full impact. Even just using the word arsenic might help.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
judyanne
Mon, 2012-09-03 03:38
thanks for the re-look jess
and the helpful comments
i have edited - how do you think it now?
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2012-09-03 04:46
You've nailed it!
Now this belongs in this workshop.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry