Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

[Tanka] (primal poetry phase 2)

drumming in odd time
woman blowing in my face
sparks relaxation
pinpoint lights come and go fast
restlessness to freshened

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 


Can I kill you now ;) There must shit going in in your life or maybe you must be tired or just feelin uninspired I want to work you man; that is if you feel like it and I respect it if you don't

So Ill just make believe everything is hunkey dorey

drumming in odd time ...where's the meat?

woman blowing in my face ….okay I'm getting interested...what are you doing to her?

sparks relaxation that counter intuitive

pinpoint lights come and go fast....stay with the light ...steady the eye balls and breathe until the light blooms

restlessness to freshened...its a weak ending

I don't mean to be sarcastic or playful at your expense but I want to encourage you to work harder and pay some attention to the sonic elements of your writing I think part of the hardship of this prompt is it requires reflection on an altered state of mind; meaning you have to submit to letting go . It is shamanic entrancing rhythms used drumming, flutes, Didgeridoo to purge addictions and mental suffering ie a tune to a higher vibration ie Shamanic Harmonic. What's missing in the western culture is listening We westerners like to do the talking We don't listen to God we beg for stuff and those 2 things are radically different because it is in the listening we are healed

Then when we write we are writing in remembrance of the soothing energies so we can give ourselves permission to write right; giving ourselves over to the hard headedness of literary craft
I think trying to write during meditative entrancement is like trying to cook dinner while deep sea diving

focus deeply on the breath and listen,,,, if you do you may discover an amazing thing about yourself like the weight and constriction of a soul hardening life will clear away and give you great relief

Best Z

Yes and no, there is more than likely too much going on in my life but these exercises are right now and for me simply getting back into the meditation mode. I'm writing 'flat' as the same things are happening. So, it was appropriate in that sense to write a short poem and I chose a structured Japanese for it. I do find the drums erratic yet very soothing and I mentioned soothing in a previous write.

Basically I'm still trying to get back into the groove but it takes time, at least for me.

I thought an image from a previous session would work as a mantra but it did not so good.

I did use mantra in my most recent session and it was working out but and dammit I got very hungry. I don't advise doing any of the exercises on an empty stomach.



Having difficulty navigating Neopoet or having trouble with an understanding regarding Neopoet? Look for the Advocate badge and reach out to an Advocate.

author comment

Thank you for explaining your poem to me. I promise never to write poetry on an empty stomach. Sorry your life has been flat. I really like pinpoint lights come and go fast. It was great imagery. I think I saw some of these when listening to the drumbeat. I should have made more use of them in my poem.
I am glad you explained this poem as it makes it more enlightening. I'm glad you wrote it and it meant so much more since you explained it.


I wrote in a flat way because I still have not seen anywhere that we are supposed to be writing poetry but rather of the experience. Maybe I'm wrong I don't know. Not a lot happening in the meditation yet so not a lot to write about... Hmm.


Having difficulty navigating Neopoet or having trouble with an understanding regarding Neopoet? Look for the Advocate badge and reach out to an Advocate.

author comment

and committed admirably to this workshop Mark and I know you are going deeper and deeper with each session. Check out some of the new links I just posted. This one worked well for me and produced an unexpected and exciting vision-

Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

(c) No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.