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The Tale Of Blessed Kings

Far away in Fairyland
Where sea met gilded shore,
Ere sun and moon shone over land,
With blossom, evermore.

And in fields of scented grass
Two kingdoms stood aside.
Within a high, cold mountain pass,
There stood a third, astride.

In kingdom each was a hall
Of gold, of silv' of iron;
Three Houses raised after the fall
Of King Anelion.

Those kings were brothers from their birth,
And brotherlike they were;
They shared their sorrows and their mirth,
And stood together wherever.

So was the peace of Fairyland
Where long had life endured,
And all the people of the land
Stood noble, firm and pure.

In the lands where days before
The light had gathered all
Beneath the towers by the shores
Of vast oriental gulf,

Anelion stood as first of fay.
As father of the race.
And sworn to serve in all his ways
Was Molloch, in second place.

And these good princes, blessed three
Would guard the secret of the Light.
In those young days was Molloch free,
And longed for the ancient Night.

His heart was stirred, his mind was led
From the sphere's of Heav'n and Earth,
Where ancient ones alone could tread;
He longed to quench his dearth.

So longed he, his spirit sought,
And sprites to him were led
To unswayed lands, ere life was wrought;
Before the fairies bled.
----
Aelios, Anelion's messenger
Spoke of a people risen.
In far vales trod a stranger
Race with lore and language spoken.

So said the king of Tirilien
That them of which was said,
With haste to Elanorien;
This people must be led.

So Molloch, servant errant
Took reign of Alimon,
First of the steeds and swift servant
To the land of Cardolan.

In his train were wise Anelion ,
His sons, the blessed three,
And riding with their old companion
Was Alphi, Lord of Pixies.

On they turned their horses north
To hostile icy gates
Where treacherous passes issued forth
To staye their frantic haste.

Beyond, a country opened wide
To a little shrouded vale.
The stranger folk there dwelt beside
A silent, rolling dale.

They were tall, and cold and grim
In their eyes was wisdom keen
As ever in the world's wide rim
None other could have been.

Their lord and father, chieftain bright
Was Meledron, famed in song.
His skin was pale and shone with light.
His raiment green and long.

He spoke of things that even fay
Don't know, and do not tell.
His verse was such that even they
Were captured in his spell.

Yet deep in him there burned a fire
In the bossom of his heart.
That lighted fated desire
Which set Molloch apart.

Long they stood with pix' and fay
And marveled at this race
That truly, they forgot their ways
Delighted in their grace.

But Molloch, he could not be bound
His spirit was filled with dread.
Long had he sought, and now had found
Where the summons of Fate had led.

Then spoke he in thundering peals
To Meledron their king,
"If in my presence, you shall kneel
Great wealth to you I'll bring"

"I shall make you master
Of the plains beyond the Light.
You shall be King and ruler
Of this deep and endless Night!"

"Nay!" he said, whose song and verse
Fills all the air with joy.
"Mine place is here, and ever ours.
We need not your employ."

"Know not what you now deny:
A name of dread and pow'r
Wrought with my might without reply;
Be your's this very hour."

"Not without my living spirit."
Swore Meledron, old and meek.
"Not more honour could one merit
Who own ends does not seek."

So with shame was Molloch stirred.
He fanned his envious flame.
As Fate commanded, he must err
And ever curse his name.

He could not repent of thoughts
That led to Fate's dark place.
And all her snares were deftly wrought
To bring Death on his race.

So Molloch erred, and with his hand
He slew king Meledron.
Then cursed by Death was all the land
Where his blood was spilled upon.

Then Molloch, seeing now his wrong
Rejected forgiveness,
And seeing himself bold and strong
Fled to the deep darkness.

The Calotans, their leader slain
Now fled the sight of fay.
Filled with grief of loss and pain,
They do not forget this day.

King Anelion went after him
To stay his servant's flight
Into the deeps where light was dim
And deeper grew the night.

And of that moment, it is said,
More ill did Molloch bring,
When filled with fear and mighty dread
The servant smote his king.

No more of grief has since been shown
When fairy good was stained.
In Cardolan, it shall be known
By them their chief was slain.

The fairies, now bereft of king
And trust of Calotan
Feared much the doom that it may bring
On sinless Fairyland.

For Molloch, once the second born
Now is eldest of their race,
And so must he assume the form
And rights of first of place.
-------
Rode royal fairies to their land
With grief and sorrow great
With tales of ill in Cardolan
And darknessin their wake.

And nearing the gates of Tirilien,
Their golden horns they blew
In the blessed Elanorien
An ominous twilight grew.

All at once, their kindred knew
That Death begun her sway
And that the actions of the few
Had come to mar the day.

Anelion's sons, the blessed three,
The bearers of the Light
Bound all the lands that still were free
Against the coming night.

The youngest son was Riendel
Who delved in stone and iron,
A fastness that would long repell
The bane of Anelion.

By rocky banks was Lorindel,
The second from the first,
Who built a mighty citadel
On land that never thirsts.

Then last, the eldest, Doromiel.
Who founded on the plain
A house ere dear Anelion fell
Which brought him so much pain.

They held a council, took to plans
While fled th'enriching rays
Of hope, they gathered from the lands
The wisest of the fay.

No soon had they begun the moot
Was Tirilien filled with cries;
A mighty cloud of blackened soot
Hung low from fairy skies.

And then their strong foundations shook
When Molloch, tall and proud,
Descended on the fay that stood
Beneath his hellish cloud.

His mark was swift, his hammer fell
His minions raped the plains
And Death rejoiced, the harpers tell,
As fairy folk were slain.

He held a siege to quell
Resistance from his foes,
But none could wrest from Doromiel
The kingdom and the throne.

These three kings sat and pondered war
And long they built up arms;
They broke an ancient fairy law
To keep themselves from harm.

Their effort paid, and war begun
Before the city walls.
He blotted out the moon and sun
And he let his darkness fall.

He smote the mountain and the air.
He poisoned land and sea.
His armies raided everywhere
From pass, to plain and sea.

For Molloch, fond of many crafts
Had created in his night,
Fell creatures from the netherparts
With his unmeasured might.

And there were worms and dragons dread
And serpents in the seas.
Of his dark fay, were legions bred,
Against the blessed three.

He poured his strength on Doromiel,
The High Prince long endured.
About him many foemen swelled,
Yet he was reassured.

His brothers rode to keep their oaths.
Their hosts had made the fields.
Molloch still stayed to battle both
While Doromiel will not yield.

In Oxenfield, they waged their war,
To lift the seige of Doromiel:
The field where in the ages before,
Anelion fought and fell.

In Oxenfield, the battle raged
From night to break of morn.
They fought the battle of the age
Upon their darkest dawn.

The host of Lorindel rode North
And fell on Anachrim.
Their song was loud as they rode forth;
The sight was dire and grim.

Riendel rode to the farther East
To battle the dark fay.
His armies swept, their clamour ceased
Their hosts begun to sway.

In Oxenfield was Doromiel,
At war for light and day.
On Oxenfield, was Molloch felled
For he had lost his way.

With numbered lost, the rebels fled
The stars were lit again.
In Dorgreleb's shadow, long they bred
To ease their loss and pain.

Molloch was chained to Dorgreb's Hold
Far away from Fairyland.
From there, alone, he could behold
The healing of the lands.

So Death was driven from their land
And Life, once more, prevailed,
The Night withdrew from Fairyland
After her assault failed.

The blessed kings together swore
To keep their kingdom pure.
And if they must, they will make war
For fairykind to endure.

But Molloch, he will never die,
And still he works his will
In the shadows, where his following lie
To see his words fulfilled.

So ends the tale of blessed kings
Whose reigns shall never pass.
Whose praise and names the fairies sing
From shore to mountain pass.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
This is the exposition. I wrote this poem about a year ago, and it is a small part of a much larger body of work I'm stuck on. The exposition is quite short, as the poem quickly delves into conflict and all that's supposed to follow. Be truthful and helpful in your critique. I need it badly. The second part, the complication proper, has been included. I put a short line break to make clear where it begins. What do you think of it now? The poem is now complete,. Now time for the endless revision stage.
Editing stage: 

Comments

In this workshop we are much more concerned with the storytelling, but it is "Storytelling in verse." You use a number of different meters in this so far. This is not wrong or necessarily even bad, but I have two reasons why you might want to make a decision on a meter and vary from it only slightly.

First, you are using short lines, so the meter variations show up more and make for a somewhat stilted read. The other is that (and this is real subjective) you have started what is my absolute, number one, unmitigated favorite form of poetry. An slightly medieval sounding Faerie tale. This all but begs for a relatively even rhythm. Something that perhaps could be chanted or sung by a bard. I am NOT going to slam you for writing with an inconsistent meter (and God knows no one else will), but it's something to think about.

Here's one example of what I mean

"Three Houses raised after the fall." This starts iamb and would like to continue so, but if you scan this you'll see that you're accenting "after" on the second syllable. Most of your stanzas actually read quite smoothly, but again, something to think about.

Your exposition is sound as far as it goes, though a little general. We of course, can't know how much pertinent information has been given us until we start seeing a complication. As it stands there is precious little to tell a story with and that's what the exposition should be. When it has been defined we should see a situation in which a story is dying to be told. You have described not much more than a status quo. That of course is the gist of exposition, but as you go be prepared to offer much more information. I know this is just the tip, so I wait for the next piece. 

And both you and China Blue have started fantasy pieces. I am in Heaven.

wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Meter. This is something I'v struggled with. Getting my poems to rhyme smoothly alone can be a problem. Meter takes it to a whole new dimension of technical complexity. At least, at my level. At this, I turn and take a look at Tolkien's verse and ask "When shall I?!"

Truth is, there's more background work that can make this exposition richer. I'll revise this in a bit. And yes, feel free to be hard on me for my mixed meter. I really need to develop some consistency. I'm reduced to counting syllables, which I know is NOT the way to do meter. It does add a little consistency to the piece (the way I see it), but there's much more that can be done. Feel free to knock me on my back. I have to learn. There might be no better way that the tough one.

I'll take another look at the work and try to fix the meter. For now, here's the story. Hope you enjoy it :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

the best way to get your head into a particular meter is to read a lot of it. Choose your metric form then google it for examples and read them, especially longer works. Then you will find the words arriving in your head already in meter instead of having to juggle them.

Well it works for me, anyway. 8)

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Currently reading Tolkien's Lay of Leithian. Very long, though I think it will affect more than my meter. Anyway, your help is really appreciated.

Been a while since I read anything from you though...

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Too bad it's unfinished. Make sure you read "Narn I Chin Hurin" also. It's an alliterative masterpiece that is also, sadly, unfinished.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

First off I want to say that you've set up the exposition well (heaps better than I did:p)! Although I agree with Wesley that it's an ichy bit vague, but again that could just be me.

One thing I wasn't certain of (and it may be that I don't read fantasy genre at all) is some of the captialisation of names:

L9: Is this the name of the hall? Or just a hall? Because if it's not a name it shouldn't be captialised.
L25: I don't know but I've never seen 'fay' in lower-case, because isn't it a race of faerie?
L30+31: 'Light' and 'Night', should these be capitals? Because unless the light and night are philosophies/discourses or groups of people I don't think they should be in upper-case. Even though they read as concepts they should still be lower-case.

Sorry got that out of the way (it was my editing course I took come into play). Sorry!

I love the name Molloch, it reminds me of Metopolis:)!

Now let me make a few things clear. According to the background work on which this is based, the entire world was engulfed in what is usually called the ancient Night. Proper noun there, referring to the darkness of all the world. The Light (also a proper noun) is the life giving flame that was lit at the beginning, when fairies first entered the world.

It was a special light, lit before the Sun and Moon were born. as for the Hall, I'll have to correct that. and the Fay also, although i meant it as a synonym for fairy, and not a distinct race.

Thanks.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

I really like how you've controlled the stanza length to four lines:)! Makes it really nice and easy to read.

Thanks Michelle. Obviously, I didn't get my meter exact (mixed iambs and stuff like that) so I tried to maintain some consistency with the number of syllables, and how the whole thing "sounded" when read. I prefer to read in a sing-song manner, and that's why I kept it like that. Short. I hope weirdelf doesn't see this comment. The meter issues. lol!

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

... "fay" (also spelled "fey") I took to mean doomed. Although the sentence didn't work for that word usage. So perhaps it should be capitalized. Having read reams of fantasy adventure, I understood the capitals on Night and Light as pseudo living things.
Let's go on and if you've more, let us have it. We need a clear complication, but don't be afraid to continue working the exposition.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I doubt there's any consensus reached on the use of "fay" (or Fay, or Fey or fey). I don't know. I'll do my research and update as needed.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

the story-line and the way it was presented. I can live with the sublte differences in meter. I'm only now beginning to appreciate the meaning of a [long] poem. I guess that as long as you give fresh and enriching information and never reach a final, definte conclusion, a long poem could very well become an epic! I too, write as though it were to be read with a sing-song cadence, thereby invoking a more ancient type of story-telling poem
~ Geezer

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

For starters, it's time to see your complication if you've made any progress.
The following suggestions are only that... suggestions. However, I have noticed you made some changes to help out the meter. These lines I have tweaked to put them in line with the generally iambic tetrameter theme. They change nothing of content. Only meter. This work looks bloody promising.

"Within a high, cold mountain pass
there stood a third magnificent."

"In kingdom each there was a hall."
"Three Houses raised up past the fall
of he who was Anelion."

"Those kings were brothers from their birth
and brotherly with each they were."

"So there was peace in Faerieland (note the different spelling. Both are correct.)
where long before life had endured."

"Stood noble, firm and pure."

"Thus in the lands where days before"

"Of vast and oriental gulf."

"And these good Princes, blessed three."

"beyond the spheres (note spelling here) of Heav'n (this is a classic contraction used mostly in music) and Earth."

One last note concerning the word "dearth". Although it is a noun, it requires an object/subject modifier.
There must be a dearth of "something." "He longed to quench his wasting dearth... of thirst? peace? whatever.
Let's see that next part.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

All suggestions taken very seriously. Wes, you're a genius. Period.

To that last bit of rhyme...the dearth. Can we let it hang like that for now? I'll try and find something to keep the rhyme, or rewrite the whole stanza.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

The poet gets to do whatever he/she wants to. It's your poem. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

First the complaints... You still have a little problem with the meter. The first part has been cleaned up mightily until the occasional lapses in a "perfect" meter seemed allowed that you might use a specific word or phrase that would not survive that "perfect" meter. In my perspective that is what slight deviations are for.
The new section has a lot of the meter problems the first part had. This is mechanics, not art. Practice and a willingness to constantly revise will solve this in time.
But the art... A VERY successful complication. Some of it is a little unclear, but if you continue to revise I think those will point themselves out to you and you can clarify.
This is a true medieval lay. The characters are all larger than life and the language is wonderful.
I am in high hopes that you have found a niche for much of your poetry and keep at this even when the workshop is done. You most definitely have what it takes to write epopee.
Anxiously awaiting the ending and please keep in mind that just because you bring it to a semblance of an end for the workshop, you needn't commit to that ending always.
I am stoked.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I tried something out. Check out the poem and tell me what you think about meter consistency now. I'v completed it, but I need you to take another look before I add the rest.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

There are still problems, but I don't want you to worry about them overmuch. The meter can always be worked after the tale is laid out. In this workshop we are more concerned with telling the tale than poetic mechanics.
Lay the rest on us and if after that you want one or more of us (like me) to point out the problems that remain, we'll give it to you.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Ok. Will mend and post soon.
Thanks for the encouragement, Wes.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

And worth it. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

but have you given up? I was rather enjoying the tale and would like to see more. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Just published the finished poem. I'll now take time to fully appreciate all the other pieces in the workshop, and wait for your comments :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

I won't do it now as I've been anxiously waiting this story. I'll hit it later when I can savor it. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Ready anytime :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

The first stanza should not end with a period as it is not a complete sentence without the beginning of stanza two. Also, "King Anelion" should be capitalized. Next, I don't like your contraction with "silver". A contraction must by definition eliminate a syllable. This does not.
I may have already picked on this one, but "dearth" cannot be used alone. There must be a dearth of "something".

It still needs work on a lot of the meter, but that will come with practice.
Now.
As to a story. You pulled it off, my friend. There are places where I become a little confused, but it never lasts long. I call this type of tale "as from the eagle's eye." Meaning that it is told in broad, over arching strokes as opposed to close work- scenes and conversations and the like.
All four components were achieved and I love the piece. I hope this has given you a new perspective on your poetry. You may not always try to tell a tale, but it's cool to know you understand how.
Well done.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Will see to it. And that line with "dearth". I'll find a way round it. Thanks for all the help :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment
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