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Taking In The Day
scraping the sky
teary eyed
thunder zoom
heart booms
cutting loose
earth juice
hands band
stars boast
snow poke
birds slope
show boat
mountains peak
underneath
water seep
mystery ride
life's tide
waving days
winds leap
hip back
feet naps
sand base
happy place
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I'm getting the feel of rhyming with content.
and I'm in the studying poetry stage as I
post my current poems.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2019-03-21 21:24
Nice rhyming...
I am primarily a rhymer and I like your poem. It has a nice rhythm to it and your word choices a good.
Your title drew me in as titles are supposed to. Your logic is consistent and the theme is one that stands in the light of many a poet! [One typo]: Scraping]. Welcome to Neo! It's always nice to see a new rhymer join us; as it seems that many people are enjoying the freedom from stricture in free-form.
I hope that you will take advantage of the many workshops and advice of seasoned poets here. Remember, you are not obligated to use the criticism and comments that you will get, but we do hope that you will participate in giving comments and critique! Even so little, as saying that you are appreciative of the theme and/or commenting on a particular line can give a poet, a feel good. Thank you and I hope that you will enjoy your time here and we will see more postings from you.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
zebra
Fri, 2019-03-22 04:32
Hi
I like it and welcome to Neopoet I do love word play :)
weirdelf
Mon, 2019-04-01 22:21
I can't add much to the excellent critique Guy, Katie and Zebra
have given you so I'll just do a little reading so you can hear how it sounds in an Aussie accent. It can often help in meter and cadence.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/taking-in-the-day-by-dpoetessrock
You'll notice the line breaks make a significant difference, perhaps it is too dependent on them.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Mon, 2019-04-01 22:22
oops, sorry Rock,
wrong link
this is the right one.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/taking-in-the-day-by-dpoetessrock
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry