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Take the Sunshine, Leave the Rain

If I could take my time again
A different thing I'd do;
I'd take the comfort, leave the pain,
Take the sunshine, leave the rain,
If only I could start anew.

If I could be another's son
A different path I'd choose;
I'd walk along, I wouldn't run,
I'd leave the sorrow, take the fun,
If only I could re-infuse.

If I could start another hour
A different way I'd go;
I'd take the sweetness, leave the sour,
Take the jolly, leave the dour,
If only I could make it so.

If I could live another day
I'd tread a different lane;
I'd leave the turmoil, take the calm,
Leave the coarseness, take the charm,
If I could take my time again
I'd take the sunshine, leave the rain.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

an interesting form, being five lines instead of the usual four. I took the time to go back and read it again, with the express idea of making it fit the five line format and was pleasantly surprised that it flowed very well. Maybe a good thing that people do that, it could give them a second chance to digest the work? ~ Geezer.
.

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on five line stanza Geezer. I'm pleased you mentioned it. I had to use six lines for the finale though, to end the poem.
Thanks for taking the time to understand the format.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
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author comment

If only...... But we are stuck with where and what we are. I also occasionally add one more line in last stanza. Sometimes, as here, it is better to add one more line to get a message across than to add another entire stanza whose only real message is the single line

Yes, if only... Thanks for your sensible view of an extra line where necessary. And thank you for reading and commenting. Stay safe.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
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author comment

a song really. Especially the last stanza is very wanting music. Tony Bennett singing.
The second stanza is very shocking, "if i could be another's son" ... that opens a whole Pandora's box of poems, but there's not enough here to follow this up, (The last line in the stanza,"re-infuse" feels too forced.)

Songs often have this kind of message, this kind of stance. In this "don't worry, be happy" , "just goin' fishin" "if i ruled the world" song/poem you introduce a very dark aspect of your life, imagining a whole different family...this part of the poem is very intense. It pulls the poem out of being a sing along lyric of cliche. you should follow it up, as difficult as it might be. It would rip the lightness from the poem and make it irony. You are exposing the rain for what it really was, And irony is the best metaphor in these cases. Plath, for example, used it all the time.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

for your fine critique. Poems are songs really, songs without music. a son-net is a small song. I could easily write a music score for these words but I think not.
I have never heard the Tony Bennett song you mention but I soon will have. If I have accidentally used phrases from it I will probably do a re-work (my poem not Tony's song).
The line I used for the title, though, I did take from a song ~ 'I don't believe in if anymore' by Roger Whittaker. I guess that is why I would not put music to mine, he has already said it in song.
I think a great deal of effort has gone into your comments and I thank you so much for that, I do respect you views very much.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

Here's a great Bennett recording of a similar theme. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NewYCbpfbw
Our generation!

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Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Eumolpus. A great song in F by the great Tony Bennett. It is kind of you to point me in that direction

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

To know that I assume. Why not try putting some of your work to music?

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Electric guitar (and bass) Eumolpus. I don't listen to many pieces of music where I don't place the key in my mind. I first acquired a guitar (acoustic) in 1963 and played (badly) in a duo after about 12 months. Therefore I feel entitled to claim to have played since 1964. I switched to electric guitar in 1965 and the world changed for me.
I arrange (existing) songs to suit different bands over here in UK and write one or two of my own occasionally. I have put one or two poems to music but try to keep the two portfolios separate. If I find that a poem works with music I don't then use it as a poem.
I do know that you are a player so will know full well, also, that Tony Bennett is singing this piece in F.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

in college I played guitar like many, blues, folk, rock. I did not learn how to read music, and played with a pick. As you know, when you can play 10 chords you can strum along and play almost everything in popular music. In my 20's i stopped playing, focusing on writing, business, family etc. When I was 50 I passed a guitarist on the street playing in classical style. I befriended him and started lessons, learning how to read and play classically. It has now been 20 + years, and 12-14,000 hours later I am "professional". I play at art openings, wine tastings, poetry readings, weddings, cocktail parties and the like. I'm that soft guitar in the background like a piano at a piano bar. The guitar music you hear in the love scenes when lovers walk on the beach... I play a classical, samba, jazz, and song standards style which I arrange myself. My favorite classical are Bach, Sor, Villa-Lobos and Tarrega right now. My specialty is Brazilian style. I have taken master classes in Brazil.

I am playing on a much higher level than 95% of the rock guitarists, but compared to the pros from Julliard (who have put in their 200,000 hours) I'm barely "b" level. Most people who have little knowledge of the instrument think I'm an amazing high level performer. But those in the know realize my amateur status.
Sadly i cannot connect the two activities, music and poetry. I don't compose. I use music as a way to clear my mind of words and thought. Nothing gives me more joy than playing Bach for a few hours, then relaxing to arrange by ear "if I ruled the world", which compared to Bach, is like writing poetry for Hallmark cards...
...

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

very much Eumolpus. I am sure that you have savoured many (12 -14000) hours of fine playing. I can almost hear you from here.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

Take the light leave the dark is well defined by the poetry.
I do like the title after reading the poem, which was absorbed as a very well composed and pleasantly moving song.
It's all good to me.
I did not notice the difference in the last stanza of 6 lines but re-infuse did stand out to me as well.
All in all I enjoyed the read.
I sometimes think of what if I did go back as I was given the opportunity but felt it was a bit too late. Being in my 40's I would have stood out like the sore thumb among the teenagers back then.
Oh Well, that's life.
Later,

~Mark~
To comment is necessary.
To acknowledge a comment is a compliment.

Live Chat is open 24/7,
come in, mix and mingle often!

I appreciate your ideas (as always).
I may look into 're-infuse' and re-work.
I hope that you and yours are okay over there in the States, kindest regards from Old England to New England.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

I so enjoy reading your poems they are like a river that flows along. It is obvious you put a lot of thatought into your work

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Thank you so much for reading. Your comments are always welcome. Please stay safe over there in your great country.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment
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