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In Syria ...An Octogram

Recalling homes once stood in pride,
the hearts are drained.
for those had sheltered flesh that dried,
and re-arranged.
As evil hit and shattered all,
the hearts, the souls, the flesh and wall,
now left the memory splashed and stained
with hearts that drained.

In Syria freedom died while wide
endued along an endless pain,
that left the whole to split and slide
in war-attained
in search for long and restless fight,
so dark embraced the day and night,
and only shadows cloaked and chained
the hearts that drained.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Just to understand the form , here it is in details

http://www.neopoet.com/comment/78679#comment-78679

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

the octogram should be in tetrameter and dimeter

so sorry - i was very tired yesterday when i put the exercise on and wrote the wrong instruction -  i have gone back and corrected it...

this is a great write - and i apologise again for misleading you

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

dear judy. Easily fixed , hope it still reads good .
Thanks for visiting
Please take care.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

but line 4 in each stanza is also supposed to be dimeter :)

one other tiny thing - the scansion and count is out in 'In syria freedom died while wide'

still love the write
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I came back even before you fixed the other lines rula, for the pleasure of the read without criting it… I think this is an awesome write in itself – and I think the form so suits it – which brings me to the thought – what do you think the french were after with these types of forms …

and btw – leave the syria line alone – it doesn’t need to be changed – the anapaest works beautifully

but oh dear - the rhyme scheme is out with the first verse in your fix i now notice
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Fixed.:)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

yes, very powerful
and great usage of the form I think

one line (imo of course) spoils it just a tad
'for those had sheltered flesh that dried,
and bones that strained.'

I really don’t see a logic there – much as some sort of analogy, no
so my next feeling was that it was a search for rhyme

I know you hate to use someone else’s – want to keep it all ruleresque :)
but what do you think of something like
'for those had sheltered flesh that dried
and re-arranged.'

great write – I said it before
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

and very much loved the repetitive line. Always wanted to write something like this.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

I don't care what form it takes. This is the most hauntingly beautiful poem you've written. This is art. This is why we write.
There is a gentleman down the street from me who just bought my local market. He is Syrian. Born and raised in Homs. Twenty five members of his family have been lost in the conflict. I will take this to him.
Rula, it's bloody glorious. I am blown away.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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I kept on coming to read your nice comment and still do . I am blushing . :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

Now your piece has settled down to its being, it is a great write and as always you have breached another barrier, well done.
You do writes that I would not attempt and I always love to see them evolve to this state, of near perfection.
Take care young lady, you are becoming the teacher, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks for your great words . It means a lot to me when I got sucn words of praise.
Nothing would make a poet happier I believe than to know his words ring right into his reader's.
Thanks again for the visit and the comment.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

judy is right. this is powerful. you deserve everyone's .praises here. you always give me a wonderful piece to read. thank you very much

alid

you have broken a barrier here, i wonder when can i do the same....sigh.
probably in a long while:(

your visit to my writings and your encouraging words mean a lot. I'm really grateful.
I know you can do better yourself.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

its good that we are encouraging each other..appreciate it.pardon my self-pity..sometimes i'm just impatient .. especially since i need to prove to my siblings this is not a waste of time..they have been telling me to stop writing.

alid

You have much to offer.
To paraphrase Whitman- "Life goes on and you may contribute a verse".
Do not stop contributing.

Please.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

for the encouragement.

Alid

I am not sure if it is possible to stop a poet in you from writing...just like it is not possible for a volcanic eruption ..

similarly. if one tries to stop the poet in you from writing..it would be as unfair as cutting the bud before allowing it to bloom into a flower...

that of course is my take..

raj (sublime_ocean)

its just that i wish they will just leave the matter to rest because all that nagging and "good advices" are pissing me off and i don't like to get angry.

alid

It's ever hard to satisfy everyone around. So keep calm and let your words flow. Tell the world about a world we won't know about withourt reading what flows from your pen.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

I will take your advice.

Alid

I'd just like to add my two pence worth!

All I can say is Brilliant! Can't understand how I missed this one, it's a gem.

Love Mand xxxxx

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