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Sweet Mornings
In the mornings I lay awake
and listen for her sounds,
and her sounds always appear.
I await her first kisses
to flutter about my cheek
that I turn from play sleep
and take her into my arms.
My day in joys has come.
I only look upon her face
and know no greater care.
She uplifts me in my mornings,
sweetens my dreams at night.
That one so could love ...
dear God, are you near!
Style / type:
Free verse
Editing stage:
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Comments
Rula
Wed, 2018-05-02 04:25
Hello dear friend
I like the raw sentiments in this one. I only didn't get what's that you want to say in the last two lines which seems to be the core intention of your poem
Sorry I can't suggest an alternative.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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mand
Thu, 2018-05-03 06:27
Hi there
This is a lovely positive upbeat poem - a joy to read. :)
But I agree with Rula that the last two lines seem out of sink; ( I'm not a profession when it comes to poetry - but I don't think the poem would suffer if you were to leave the last two lines out ).
Aside from that - thanks for sharing - a nice uplifting poem to start the day! :)
Love Mand xxx
gregwa8
Wed, 2018-05-02 04:09
made me miss being with a
made me miss being with a partner. very honest and moving portrayal of morning with a lover.
tyro
Wed, 2018-05-02 04:32
Hello dear Rula, its always a
Hello dear Rula, its always a pleasure to have you drop by. May your spring bring only good news.
Perhaps I was trying to be too cleaver with grammar. In the construction "That one so could love ..."
that can be so used, according to dic.com
((used elliptically to introduce an exclamation expressing desire, a wish, surprise, indignation, or other strong feeling):
Oh, that I had never been born!)
The protagonist is so consumed by the amount of love he feels, he questions how is it possible "That one so could love ..."
the ellipsis means the sentence is incomplete, there is more to come in either thought or action.
The last line becomes an interjection to complete the previous thought. Similar to being suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling. And in his mind only the immediate present of God could rise him to such a level of feeling.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commentRula
Wed, 2018-05-02 16:42
A very
well explanation dear tyro, and a new lesson in grammar.
Thank you!!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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tyro
Wed, 2018-05-02 04:34
Hello Mand, I agree the poem
Hello Mand, I agree the poem would not overly suffer without the last two lines as most will not see it as a sudden overflowing of emotion.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commentmand
Thu, 2018-05-03 06:30
No Prob's
Thence an essential part of the poem. :) - a wonderful tribute to someone special!
Mand xx
Chiori
Thu, 2018-05-03 11:28
hmn cool
hmn cool
always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing
IRiz
Thu, 2018-05-03 15:27
Nice poem.
Nice poem.
So the last lines sound like God brought you this happiness. Did I understand correctly?
From technical perspective, the meter is changing somewhere at the end.
IRiz
tyro
Fri, 2018-05-04 05:19
Hi IRiz,
Hi IRiz,
always happy to hear what you have to say. I am giving more attention to the definite article, and your opinion starts to weigh on the results. But, anyway, those last two lines again. In the beginning they were separated as a couplet, but it did look so good visually, as connecting it, gives a better visual symmetry.
Then I tried to justify putting it there by the use of grammar:
that can be (used elliptically to introduce an exclamation expressing desire, a wish, surprise, indignation, or other strong feeling:
Oh, that I had never been born!)
By starting the sentence with that, I represent it as an exclamation of surprise and strong feelings.
And then the next point was to lead is the ellipsis ( the omission from a sentence or other construction of one or more words that would complete or clarify the construction) the ellipsis is an invitation to the mind to complete the thought.
"dear God, are you near!" this is the completion; The antagonist finds his emotions so overwhelming, that only the presence of a great spiritual power could explain them.
With this one I did not go for meter, looking only for a flowing simplicity; except the interjection of the last two lines of course.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
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