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Surrender to Infinity

Good morning sweet fate,
I never thought we'd really meet.
My bill is due, it cannot wait.
Let Karma have its choice box seat.

I want to fight a final stand and
Have my defects come out swinging.
Torch it all to the ground;
My disease the lone one grinning.

If only did I know that
I could win if I just quit.

If only I could trust that
I could finally have a rest.

If only I could see that
I could step into the place

Where calamity
Meets serenity.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I am liking this but not loving it. It needs some work and help. I have a tendency to be big fisted with words and themes. Subtlety can be elusive for me.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I think that this one has a subtlety that is hidden in the big picture and it shouldn't be trod upon too harshly. I am of the opinion that this is about admitting to a fault [or maybe a disease], that hobbles you in [maybe physicality or mentally] and you realize that by admitting it and working around it, rather than denying it, you can have some peace. I'm not sure that you really have a grasp of what you have accomplished here. ~ Geez.
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Hey Geez -- see below

author comment

Thanks for that Geez -- The meaning of the poem for me is strong in my heart. I find writing about such things to be great therapy. Upon rereading the poem I see I was too harsh. I guess I was questioning my general style -- I have been reading all of yours and others work and see a difference of prose and approach. More room to breathe and get carried away in wonderfully juxtaposed imagery. Sometimes I look at my work and feel it gets made with a hammer...lol

Don't get me wrong, I love my work and see that I have my own style. Looking and reading other work is making me want to explore other voices inside me...

author comment

I love Neo. so much! I have been a member for around thirteen or so years, and I have learned something in every one of them. There is never a day that goes by or a post that I read, that something isn't registered. Even if it is a comment on a piece of work by someone else. I see how people respond to it and think about what it makes me feel, and what I will remark on or respond to. I was strictly a rhymer when I came here and have explored Haiku, and Free-form, and different styles, to jump the fences and roll on the grass of the "other side". I have found great pleasure in participating in workshops and mingling with the rest of my fellow poets! So, yes, by all means, find a smaller hammer and work away at creating a new you!
I look forward to your journey as much as you do. ~ Geez.
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there is a $25 Gift Card from Amazon and 3 months Premium Profile!

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Tell each other what you think

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So awesome to hear -- yes I have been exploring the quintain form since coming here. More to follow as I grow for sure. Now I am off to buy a ball peen hammer...

author comment

I hope you find the right size and bang the hell out anything that catches your attention. I'll be watching.~ Geez.
.

Don't forget to enter the October Halloween Contest!
there is a $25 Gift Card from Amazon and 3 months Premium Profile!

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Tell each other what you think

.

Here are some alternatives you can think over :
Good morning sweet fate,
I never thought we'd really meet.
yet now my final bill cannot wait.
Let Karma have its choice seat.

I want to fight a final stand and
Let my defects come out swinging.
Burn it all down to the ground;
like a viking I would go down singing.

If only could I know that
I could win if I just quit.

If only I could trust that
I could have a final rest

If only I could see that
I could step into that place.

Where calamity
Meets serenity.

just some ideas

Thanks for your suggestions -- Interesting to see other people's takes. I like the "Let Karma have its choice seat" suggestion

author comment

Hey scribbler I took some of your suggestions... thankee-sai

author comment

This pensive, reflective piece is strong
Clearly you have put much effort
And thought
Into it,
I like where you went with it in the ending.

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