Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Supernatural

Submitted by chevyvent on Tue, 2017-08-01 21:14

Supernatural

inside my brain lest I refrain
lies a deep impulse to explode
the notion of love that comes from heaven above
I was given this gift as a child
with pad and pen & a need to pretend

hands, heart, face & smile
cause I knew all the while that in time I would shine
to feel the warmth on my face by the sun
the conquest at hand to have a bit of fun
although those many years would pass
I had every viable reason to grasp

therefore gain wisdom & with all thy getting gain understanding
a challenge to be set free was a question of time
I had to sit down & learn how to rhyme
of far off places with kings and queens
just another flavor of my favorite ice cream
I searched high in low to be found

inside I used to hide behind four walls in my mind
solitude...
why does one negate logic for fear ?
for I shed a single tear to help numb the inner pain
not having a good book in hand was driving me insane
Suddenly I found myself in the fast lane getting lost again

until the supernatural came in
now I could hold my breath & count to number ten
a beacon of hope to a hurting world in search of love
fallen from the heaven's from God above,
I fell in love with a unique craft of poetry
lost in sullen brevity amidst its extremities
finally came full circle to who I really am
just to know deep inside that God alone had a plan

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

brittle light

Thu, 2017-08-03 16:26

brittle light's picture

write how you want, about what you want , it's none of my business
but your style of writing is insufferable at this point
have you ever wondered why so many fail to comment
for some, I'm sure it is the content that is off-putting
for the rest, the tedious length to get to a point

You are probably a stand up guy, a nice guy, and doing your best to impress
but some things should change, need to change.

doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results
is a real problem.

like I said, do what, and how you want
but....

sincerely,

Al

chevyvent

Thu, 2017-08-03 18:53

chevyvent's picture

Gee thanks a lot !

Mario Vitale

author comment

brittle light

Thu, 2017-08-03 20:06

brittle light's picture

I was hoping for a response that would open a dialogue, to get to the meat of the matter.
I know I can be terse, even harsh, but we are both adults, and I figured you could handle
the opening gambit.

if you would rather not continue the "discussion", that is fine with me, though I am not sure why you would rather do that.
My original comment was based on my sincere impression of your writing style.
We all have much to learn, myself included.

take a chance , open up to other possibilities, other opinions.
maybe you will even change my mind

Al

chevyvent

Thu, 2017-08-03 22:36

chevyvent's picture

Even The Best Of Poets Get Criticized By Critics Yet Who Are They To Judge !?
In this piece I wanted to delve into the notion of solitude I guess I took it to far though.
In a way I'm crying out I need help I try to write elegant poems but they crumble in my hands.
My chief aim is still in me though working the part of the creative process.
Perhaps I shall take a sabbatical from Neopoet need to think things through maybe I have bitten off far more then I could chew ?
Supernatural I tried the central theme as pointing to love perhaps I got a little carried away.
No positive enforcement strengthens one's heart but negativity hinders.
I always consider the source of one who criticizes yet who are they anyway I'm just trying to learn.
For an example one beggar telling another beggar where it is to get bread.
All right enough of my rant I'll try to be a good boy scout.

Mario Vitale

author comment

brittle light

Fri, 2017-08-04 11:13

brittle light's picture

I guess I'll go back to my side of the playground.

FYI:
we all get judged. Sometimes gently, sometimes harshly
scientists by peer review
business men's decisions by stockholders, or consumers
women, by by men choosing who to pursue
restaurants for the taste of their food
or poets posting on Neopoet by others doing so
and on it goes
a thicker skin is the best bet for survival in this world.

I hope the best for you
sincerely,

Al

weirdelf

Thu, 2017-08-10 01:19

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

https://www.neopoet.com/tools/undiscovered
and with some self-honesty ask why you are so represented there.
It doesn't mean you are a bad poet, the greatest living poet I have ever read, Esker, occupies most of that. But so do you and Lovedly. Who do you think you are closer to? Esker or Lovedly?

As Al said "doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results is a real problem."
You said it all in the last line "just to know deep inside that God alone had a plan" You don't. There have been fine religious poets but only when they thought and created outside the plan.

It's not a bad poem, I enjoyed reading it.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1CGb3jQD9ue

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Geezer

Fri, 2018-11-23 22:50

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

is born of simple, yet close connection to the subject. The key word here, is simple! Many people who try to write "elegantly"; fail, because they get too wrapped up in trying to use big words and/or ideas. Not that I am ever elegant, but when I write, I very often stop and go back over what I have written to see if it makes sense. I do find that at times, I have overstated or used words and phrases that just take up space and do nothing to add to the statement. It is NOT a sin to delete words, sentences or whole quatrains to simplify and make the whole thing easier to read and digest. Sometimes it is better to let the reader draw their own conclusions from a statement or phrase than to try and clarify it with more muddy water.
Remember! "Simple" ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.