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Superlative Style

Submitted by gregwa8 on Thu, 2018-05-03 16:26

you may have shirts and shoes and shades
but the kind of style that never fades

is found on hangers in the heart
is put in invisible shopping carts

and it is bought with time and tension
want and spiritual comprehension

it’s where a smile or hug come from
it’s like MacGyver with chewing gum

it’s not material prosperity
but things like hope and charity

kindness, mercy, boldness, grace
the traits a wise man tries to chase

like the air that fills up a balloon
or the breath that plays through a bassoon

we can’t see them but they’re there
more attractive than good hair

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

chevyvent

Thu, 2018-05-03 16:58

chevyvent's picture

I love this poem for its sheer deliciousness. It reads like a piece of the most beautifully written found poetry — a note taped to the icebox door. Succinct, simple, and yet juicy, the limited lines profess a narrative far beyond what actually exists on the page.
Good questions phrased in what seem to me to be heartfelt words, like from the gut. Well-done emotive write.
may a thousand Angels comfort you and guide you through such turbulent times...I shall have you in my thoughts and prayers...stay in his light.

Mario Vitale

gregwa8

Thu, 2018-05-03 17:23

gregwa8's picture

thanks!! not sure what "good questions phrased in what seem to me to be heartfelt words" i'm using, though. deliciousness is the coolest compliment (if you meant it for my work).

author comment

lovedly

Thu, 2018-05-03 17:53

lovedly's picture

we can’t see them
but they’re there(((WHERE))
more attractive than
good hair....

A guy had a tee shirt on
which said
I am sexy
coz I have no hair
Qs?
where ????
down there
LOL
WELCOME
I HAVE now
also read
your third edition

gregwa8

Thu, 2018-05-03 19:46

gregwa8's picture

thanks lovedly! you're funny :)

author comment

Eumolpus

Thu, 2018-05-03 20:33

Eumolpus's picture

takes a public stance. I kinda think the poem would also be effective, perhaps more, if you changed the subject to you. as in "I may have shirts..." all the way to "I can't see them but they are there.."

Just a suggestion. That is what this site it about, and always meant with good intentions.

I see you are from Maryland. I am in DC and do a lot of workshops and events here...are you far?

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

gregwa8

Thu, 2018-05-03 21:36

gregwa8's picture

Eumolpus, thank you! I am open to suggestions and see that's a common response from neopoets. Which is cool. I think I am secure enough as a writer to take people's comments to heart (though I'm certainly learning). and excited to run with a good idea, even if it's someone else's. I do live in Maryland. and I am interested in workshops and events, etc. I should be on here pretty regularly, so we'll have to catch up!

author comment

tyro

Sun, 2018-05-06 06:02

very nicely done, filled with some wonderful comparisons. The extended metaphor of style gives the poem a solid backbone. The flow is superb, I stumbled nowhere along the way.

I was wondering why the flow was so good when the meter and syllable count was so erratic, then I noticed that on average there are three stresses per line, a kind of sprung rhythm.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

gregwa8

Sun, 2018-05-06 14:19

gregwa8's picture

thanks, tyro! appreciate the kind words. I definitely am more into stresses than syllables, at this point. glad it read fluidly, without a live reading. a lot of my poems have a number of different metaphors, but so glad this one comes across as having a "solid backbone."

author comment

OriginalRhyku

Fri, 2018-05-11 08:51

Liked the style, cadence and content. Your background as a songwriter is evident in the ease with which you create the imagery.

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