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Sunku with a funny tail

white fog
ginger hare
on melting slopes

it hops
on the rocks
in my whiskey

and disappears
into the spring

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 

Comments

IRiz your wild imagination in this poem certainly made me laugh especially stanza 2 is a wow..

it hops
on the rocks
in my whiskey

I wonder though why the proponent of 2-3-4 syllabi has deviated from it in Stanza 3. I am sure you have a reason which i am eager to know..

raj (sublime_ocean)

she is ochen xhoroshaw
talented
the next mission of hers
is to inculcate a
SUNKU SONNET too

Ask her
she alone is here with an exceptional mind
go read her blog and find
the clouds
the trees
the snows
well I tried my hand and found
I'd act like a clown
composing sunkus

Clown isn't bad at all. Just hop on board! Let's ride to the spring.
I am making you smile with my two last poems, but I wrote many drafts and work hard on them.

IRiz

author comment

I am sorry but that is as close as I could get.
For me making you laugh is more important than satisfy you with precision of the count.
It is close though and it has rhythm and alliteration and character.
The deviation is in the last stanza. But it makes the hare disapper better. Best, IR.

IRiz

author comment

do check mine
is it anywhere near your dream's sunkus expectation
off Lovedly

Sometimes I get them when I don't mean to but that's not as bad as not getting them when you do.

This is cool, vivid, and gave me a giggle. It evoked a complete scenario for me, complete with setting, mood even narrative. Though I bet what I see is different to what you did.

Thumbs up.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Lol, here you are ! I am glad I sparked your imagination. I am sure your story has more in common with my poem than you might think.
But there is no way to check unless you invite me in your head. (I am joking again)

IRiz

author comment

very atmospheric and naturally odd.

Ha, I know.

IRiz

author comment

This Poem is truly awesome I must confess exactly what I expected and the imagery keeps taunting my imagination and then leave me into a burst of laughter... Witty and unique.

Hommies

Thank you my friend.
I am truly happy you laughed with me

IRiz

author comment
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