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Sunku 5

Submitted by lonlyhrtsclub13 on Sat, 2018-02-24 18:06

Devil
Beckons
With arms open

Come here
It's different
I swear

Let me
Hold you
One more time

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

Comments

raj

Sun, 2018-02-25 05:08

You are seriously improving with every Sunku you post,,,A small change I would have made in First Stanza is eliminate "The" and "He" in lines 1 & 2

Devil
beckons
With arms open

........

raj (sublime_ocean)

lonlyhrtsclub13

Sun, 2018-02-25 07:04

lonlyhrtsclub13's picture

I like the changes. Flows nicer. Thank you.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

raj

Sun, 2018-02-25 07:45

my pleasure to suggest. Good to know you found them worthy.

Are you cooking a new Sunku?

......

raj (sublime_ocean)

lonlyhrtsclub13

Sun, 2018-02-25 08:00

lonlyhrtsclub13's picture

But i can't post until tonight per neo guidelines.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

raj

Sun, 2018-02-25 13:38

Let me remind you that you can post your poems without restrictions when you select workshop option. So don't hold back..

raj (sublime_ocean)

lonlyhrtsclub13

Sun, 2018-02-25 13:52

lonlyhrtsclub13's picture

Because my contest poem was right to the stream so I can't even get to the submit screen.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

raj

Sun, 2018-02-25 13:58

I am not talking about Contest Poem where you have selected contest name...my comment was about poems submitted to a Workshop where the notification you see [when you select "submit a poem"] clearly states that you can do it if it's meant for a workshop. You can confirm this from Geezer and Wieirdelf or any member from technical panel of Neopoet.

Hope this helps..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Barbara Writes

Sun, 2018-02-25 14:25

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I think if you post to stream without selecting a workshop first it won’t let you post anything until the 24 hour is up. As long as you select workshop In poem content it will let you post as often as you wish. I don’t think the contest functions that way. I don’t think it will let her in to post content before the 24 hours is up to select workshop. It may let her if there was a workshop content separate from poem content that post to the stream. Maybe some things to think about

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

raj

Sun, 2018-02-25 14:31

for sharing your perspectives about the Rule Book. I guess there should be more clarity to avoid confusing perceptions. Anyways not being a premium member, I have to face these limitations...

raj (sublime_ocean)

IRiz

Sun, 2018-02-25 09:41

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Great write about temptation. Thank you for your poem. Looking good.

IRiz

lonlyhrtsclub13

Sun, 2018-02-25 09:58

lonlyhrtsclub13's picture

Real emotions into short form. Thank you for your positive comments.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Barbara Writes

Sun, 2018-02-25 13:56

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You inculcate haiku and senyru perfectly in this sunku which makes sunku the ultimate form of both styles similar to tanka. Tanka can be either haiku or senyru when a added couplet changes it from haiku to senyru with one or more key words.

Ie. A haiku
sunsets before dusk
twilight sparkles with twinkles
sunrise after dawn
Ie. A senyru
sunsets before dusk
awesome twilight with twinkles
sunrise after dawn

Ie. A haiku/tanka
sunsets before dusk
twilight sparkles with twinkles
sunrise after dawn
celestial skies popping
above awesomeness heaven (awesome and awesomeness makes it senyru)

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

lonlyhrtsclub13

Sun, 2018-02-25 13:51

lonlyhrtsclub13's picture

Need to explore these more. Thank you for your kind words.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Barbara Writes

Sun, 2018-02-25 14:01

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Of this sunku
The devil is a liar
He or she swear
It will be different
But we know
It won’t be. Lol
One more time
One more lie
Nothing changes

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

weirdelf

Mon, 2018-02-26 23:14

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3 stanzas, 2/3/4 syllables per stanza

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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