Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Sunku 4

Foggy night
Cold town
Broken car

Blonde hair
Blue eyes
Ruby lips

Pulls up
To assist
Unexpected

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Good sequence of events creating images of the encounter. I could sense you feeling limitations of Sunku to complete the story in 3 stanzas. That's the real challenge. May for the same theme you could think out of box to fit it in 3 stanzas. I will revisit and see if it can be done.

raj (sublime_ocean)

How do you like it

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Thumbs up for the effort, wasn't easy

raj (sublime_ocean)

Usage of words in the first stanza hold a lot of hidden meaning aptly describing the mood, whereas the second stanza expresses hope and the third about realism ...this is how I read your poem..

raj (sublime_ocean)

She pulls up to give him a ride, he is hopeful and relieved..doesn't realize it is his last ride.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

that's the killer part of the poem i referred as realism [bitter sweet]

raj (sublime_ocean)

Has awakened

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Keep it alive Carrie

raj (sublime_ocean)

Darkness
lends voice
to solitude

Guilt
redemption
vengence

Places
we can walk
in seclusion
-----------------------

raj (sublime_ocean)

Captures the darkness so well

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Good to know you loved the Sunku inspired by exchange of comments on your Sunku

Looking forward to more posts from you ..

raj (sublime_ocean)

I would end with one word
unexpected
Let the reader imagine what happened.

IRiz

Thank you. Change has been made and thank you for introducing this form to me. I am finding less is better and leaves room for the reader to draw their own conclusions. Thank you again.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

It is my honor.

IRiz

2/3/4 syllable form works, this doesn't so much.
https://vocaroo.com/i/s1QYskWe4L1N

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.