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Sunku 3

Black box
Jeweled box
Temptation great

Hand twitch
Can't resist
Key underneath

Black smoke
Demons out
Darkside release

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Just the kind of thing to bring out the darkside! ~ Gee.
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Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I'm not officially in the workshop, but I wanted to make sure I commented on at least one sunku poem of everyone who participated in the workshop.

Of course, I love the dark theme, the ominous open ending, and the possible reference to Pandora of mythological infamy!

If I could make a suggestion, with such a short form where every word must count for a lot, I'm not sure if the repetition of "box" on five out of the nine lines is the best use of the limited space. You've already told a story in this short space, but maybe a few of the box lines could be changed to get more details. For example, since we know it is a jeweled box because of line 2, maybe "pretty box" on line 5 is redundant. What about something like "hand twitches" or "fingers ache" on that line instead, to really emphasize the action of going for the key and to emphasize the struggle against temptation?

Then maybe a tweak to one other would work. What about "jeweled case/frame/rim" on the second line or "open lid/top/lock" on line 7? A synonym or part of a box could work in either of those places to break up the repetition a little.

Hope this helps! Enjoyed it.

Kelsey

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www.lettereddandy.xyz

Thank you for the input. I like the suggestions very much and will go back and see if I can implement them accordingly.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Good edits...How about

Black smoke
Demons out
in stark dark

....

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you for the suggestion but I am just not sure the last line jives with the overall poem. It doesn't sound like something I would write/say but as always, thank you for your critique.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

cheers,
Jess
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