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Sunku 2

The moon
Waxing, waning
In and out

Mood swing
With tide
High and low

Your feelings
Toward me
Fade in and out

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

that there are no real rules to this form. I enjoy the fluid lines here, no matter the order they are in. As a matter of fact, it seems more desirable to be able to interchange them when the need arises. I like it! ~ Gee.
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This has been fun. I think I may have found my form. :)

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Thank you for commenting.

IRiz

Only took ten years of being on the site to find a form I am good at.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Ha ha ha

IRiz

I like how how tied the waning of the moon phases with love. Love is unstable and not as beautiful as the waxing of the moon. Love the comparison

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

The moon is one of the most beautiful bodies in our solar system. So much depends on its rise and fall. Thank you reading and connecting each verse.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I liked the way way you have connected mood swings with waxing and waning of moon. In stanza #2 you have mentioned Up, down and high low which mean the same. I suggest you change either of them. Let me know what you think of an alternative below

Moods swing
with the tides
High and low

Keep posting more...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you. I made a small edit in the second stanza. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Hi Carrie,

Not a big deal to make a suggestion to a friend. I noted the small change you have made which read better.

I feel "Mood Swing" is more appropriate because it goes back and forth like a swing of the pendulum, whereas shift is like the shift of the course of a river. Just my opinion

raj (sublime_ocean)

I like how it sounds as well.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Your Sunku sounds like change itself if it were to have sound,
it reminds me ocean waves.
Thank you for a great contribution to the workshop.

IRiz

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