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SunKu

Submitted by lonlyhrtsclub13 on Wed, 2018-02-21 19:48

Heart
Bleeding out
Emotions raw

Fresh
Same foe
Past regret

Love
Hate me
Go but stay

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

Comments

raj

Thu, 2018-02-22 04:06

Hi Carrie...you have not only shown your skills in this Sunku by conforming to its parameters of Syllabi count of 2-3-4 per stanza in 3 stanzas....but in fact you have miniaturized this short form in some lines with reduced syllabi and thus in my opinion exceed the expectations of expressing in this short form as you have done pretty well in your Sunku...

I suggest you read a blog posted here by IRiz on "Aesthetics of Haiku" to have more insights on expected goals...

Thanks for posting this Sunku..

raj (sublime_ocean)

lonlyhrtsclub13

Thu, 2018-02-22 07:01

lonlyhrtsclub13's picture

Thanks Raj! I thought it was a bit off. I am glad you liked it. It was fun to write something short and to the point.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

IRiz

Thu, 2018-02-22 09:01

IRiz's picture
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Hello Carrie,
welcome to the workshop and thank you for your elegant write.
There is a little more room that Sunku allows,
be free to alaborate more on your feelings, use metaphors, maybe some rhyme. Let's have fun?
Looking forward to see more of your poems here.

IRiz

lonlyhrtsclub13

Thu, 2018-02-22 16:57

lonlyhrtsclub13's picture

I really like this style of poetry. I thought I may have been off a bit as far as syllables go but glad to see I got it pretty good. I am looking forward to writing more of these. Sometimes less words are better.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Barbara Writes

Thu, 2018-02-22 12:21

Barbara Writes's picture
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I like how you captured the pain, past regrets and desire for abuser to go but, just can’t let go packed into this senyru style, three stanza poetic form.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

lonlyhrtsclub13

Thu, 2018-02-22 16:58

lonlyhrtsclub13's picture

Thank you! I am finding less words seem to say more. I am glad you were able to understand the meaning of it as well. It is the dance so many of us do, on both ends. Not being able to let go of each other even though you know it is toxic and all the emotions that go with it. Thank you for the critique.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Barbara Writes

Thu, 2018-02-22 17:18

Barbara Writes's picture
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This style of writing is a hit in the workshop

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

raj

Fri, 2018-02-23 15:15

Hi Carrie...as I am discovering there is more in less. Even as a therapy, Sunku due to its metrics allows us to temper even our thoughts/feelings/emotions rather than let them go helter skelter is my opinion.

Looking for more Sunkus from your heart, may be with killer instincts.lol...

raj (sublime_ocean)

lonlyhrtsclub13

Fri, 2018-02-23 19:56

lonlyhrtsclub13's picture

I am looking forward to doing more of this and may make it a regular practice after the workshop concludes. I certainly could implement my dark muse, however, I think Iris wants to keep this more on the lighter side.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

raj

Sat, 2018-02-24 04:29

Carrie...

good to know you would be posting more Sunkus. You are right about as per IRiz the themes should be on the lighter side as you may have read in her blog on Aesthetics, if not, you may read it

Regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

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