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Sunflower Recollections
Colt in the quiet light of morning
Sunflower light meets the light of his big brown eyes.
In the world just 2 and a half years
No petulant toddler
Today he is awake to his toast.
Truth, if you can catch it.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Comments
swamp-witch
Sat, 2017-03-18 18:23
Merlin,
Interesting little poem you have here! I see that this was for a contest that has long been over and I apologize that it was never commented on then! It is definitely a good little snapshot of a beautiful moment of the pastoral.
If I could make a suggestions about it now, I would say that you could try some synonyms for "light." You use the word "light" three times pretty close together in the first two lines, which can sound a little awkward at times. These word choices stand out all the more because they are in the couplet which you've set apart from the rest of the poem.
Maybe something like:
Colt in the quiet ease of morning
Sunflower light meets the warmth in his big brown eyes.
What do you think? Would you be interested in trying something similar?
Kelsey
Critique, don't comment.
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