Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

A summer Place

Summer was gone, fall was in full color
I woke up to the sound of a cold rain
Wrapped in a memory as tears grip my face 
Like raindrops hugging the window pane
                       Pre-Chorus
An image embedded in my head
still remains and keeps coming back
Keeps coming back in a song
           A Summer Place
                          Chorus
Every time I think about that song
I picture you and me on that beach
Strange how a song sounds like a memory
Like a recording of a summer’s day
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.
 
I go back to when I first saw you 
Swayin’ to the rhythm of the waves 
On that lonely stretch of sand
I caught your glance, and got lost in your eyes
You said hi and in that moment, I was captured
I found a love for me hidden in the sand
 
I go back to when we walked together
Barefoot in the sand, hand in hand
We stopped at the water’s edge
The soft sensuous touch of the breeze 
embraced us and we had our first dance 
listening to the song a summer place

I go back to when we were sitting
On that lonely shore, the sun dipping 
Into the sea, the scent of jasmine 
Filling our senses, we got high,
Then we kissed. In that moment,
I knew we belonged together
  
I didn’t want this day to end
I didn’t want this day to ever ever end
              
Every time I think about that song
I picture you and me on that beach
Strange how a song sounds like a memory
Like a recording of a summer’s day
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.

Editing stage: 

Comments

It's amazing to see how people all over the world share the same feelings and can be gripped by the same experiences. It makes the world feel closer in a good way. I say this because your poem reminds me of a country song by the singer Kenny Chesney, called "I Go Back".

Here are some of the lyrics (and you can listen to it here if you would like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdeSLxz5TTE)

...
Suddenly this crazy world made more sense to me
Well I heard it today and I couldn't help but sing along
'Cause every time I hear that song
I go back to a two-toned short bed Chevy

Drivin' my first love out to the levy
Livin' life with no sense of time
And I go back to the feel of a fifty yard line
A blanket, a girl, some raspberry wine
Wishin' time would stop right in its tracks
Every time I hear that song, I go back, I go back
...
'Cause every time I hear that song
I go back to the smell of an old gym floor
And the taste of salt on the Carolina shore
After graduation and drinkin' goodbye to friends
And I go back to watchin summer fade to fall
Growin' up too fast and I do recall
Wishin' time would stop right in its tracks
Every time I hear that song, I go back, I go back
We all have a song that somehow stamped our lives
Takes us to another place and time
...

Both you and this singer, separated by great distance, recollect about love, summer, and the seashore and the songs that remind you of those good memories. I think this is a powerful connector, something that poetry and art and stories can hopefully help people to feel more empathy with their fellow human beings. We certainly need more of that in our world!

If I could make a few suggestions for the poem, the first would be to make sure you've put a space after all punctuation for a polished look. There are several places in stanza one, two, and three where you have a line like "I think about that song,a summer place" where there needs to be a space after the comma.

There are also one or two small spots where the capitalization seems out of place. For example, "Woke" on line 2 of the first stanza doesn't need to be capitalized and the same goes for "Jasmine" in stanza five. The sources I've checked say we don't have to capitalize the common names of flowers:

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/95513-grammar-gurus-do-you-capit...

http://khkeeler.blogspot.com/2013/03/botany-rules-1-writing-plant-common...

I really loved the imagery and personification of "raindrops hugging the window" and "soft sensuous touch of the breeze" (which is also great alliteration), so if I could suggest one last thing, it could be to try to incorporate more of these fantastic and emotive literary devices in the poem. Everyone feels love in some way or another, and clearly many people share the experience of romantic walks on the beach or having songs give wonderful nostalgia, so you could really personalize and enrich this poem if you added more of the unique images like the ones I mentioned above. Really use all your senses and show off your favorite literary devices and this poem will be all the more special. You've also got enjambment, repetition, rhyme, and ode in the poem, but I tend to think of it as "the more the merrier".

Hope this helps. I'm not trying to infringe on your poem or tell you what to write, so please forgive me if my feedback ever comes across that way; I just want to give you some inspiration if you decide to revise! This is your poem, after all, and it will be up to you if you decide to make any changes and what those changes should be.

Take care,
Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

Thanks for looking in Swamp-Witch

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.