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summer Haiku
I await autumn
as I sit among the green
and sweat drips from nose
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-07-26 10:06
I like the human element,
however it lacks a certain frisson.
How to give constructive feedback?
Fucked if I know.
Perhaps the feeling of the nosedrip, significator of work or inappropriate perspiration?
cheers,
Jess
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scribbler
Thu, 2012-07-26 21:27
hi Jess
I had hoped the change from natural description to very human sweating might provide the contrast. Appreciate your dropping by.............stan
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2012-07-26 18:16
This one...
had me thinking of all the implications, for instance:
Awaiting with anticipation, or intrepidation of Autumn?
Sitting among the green; liking it or hating it?
Sweat dripping from nose; mowing the lawn?
Anyways, I liked all the implications. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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scribbler
Thu, 2012-07-26 21:29
Hi Gee
The good thing about extremely short forms is they leave more room for different interpretations so you can read what you want into this lol...............stan
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