Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Sugarfoot...

Dreams of newer places
scenes I've not seen before
I see different faces
opening other doors

Things I can only imagine
No one seems to know
where these things are happening
Yet, I've a yen to go

Sugarfoot: my mother called it
Didn't understand just why
"Don't put that foot down, my son
unless, you're sure it's dry"

Because once you get it wet
No more roaming, seeking fun
I think you will regret it
The roaming will be done

I've ignored the warning, but
snatched it back a time or two
Only lost some toes
When I've stopped to see the view

But, now my leg is numb
I'm looking down to see
A foot that's been all melted
Oh shit, that puddle's me

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I did see where it could be improved by changing a word or two and did what I thought would tighten it up, but I was trying hard to keep the scansion and a couple of the suggestions would have screwed it up. ~ Gee.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

2nd line would this line work better
scenes I've not seen before
last line
out of sync
would puddle is instead of the contraction fall in with the rhythm better

lol

Let your mercy spill on all those
burning hearts in hell( L.Cohen)
join us for chat every [email protected];30 pm est

first suggestion to heart and used it, but the second was right in sync. ~, Geez.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

author comment

The last line is such a good climactic end...lol...

reminded me of childhood days when if a foot lands in poo others would say "he cut the cake"..

be well dear friend..

raj (sublime_ocean)

for the read and comment. ~ Geez.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

author comment

Hi Geez, I like your poem, both the content and the title, which is highly original. As usual, my only nits are about tweaking some lines to make them neater, no so prosy. A suggestion below:

Sugarfoot(;) : my mother called it
I didn't understand (just) why
"Don't (you) put (that) your foot (on) down
unless(,) you're sure it's dry"

Maybe you want it colloquial? As poetry goes, I think it would benefit from a little pruning. TorT, best, Gracy

*
*
*
"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Most all my works are colloquial, but it never hurts to keep the meter running. Thanks for your suggestions, they helped. ~Geez.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

author comment

Yuck,
not so much sugerfoot! lol

Mind your step!

That's a fun one.

Thank you...Teddy

are you? LoL I'm surprised that not many of my age have heard the term Sugarfoot; pretty popular colloquialism in my part of the world, in my Mom's time. Glad you liked it. ~ Geez.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

author comment

of a glass of cane juice
which my mummy gave
and said
lip it slowly
not all of it
some may be
lol

Glad to have brought a good memory to you. yes, it stands to reason, that if you drink too deeply of the sugary stuff, you will get a belly-ache, or maybe melt a bit. ~ Geez.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

author comment

ur more humorous
than
lovedlyme

that humour is one of my best failings. Sometimes, I run off at the mouth before I think and I am anxious to make the joke without realizing the end result. ~ Geez.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

author comment

Hi, Geezer,
I have not heard the term used this way! A very clever poem - in a sweet, sloppy sorta way! Perfect last line.
Thank you!
L

I do have a soft spot for the sweet stuff [sloppy too]. Surprised that not many have heard of the term. Seems as though, it should be a popular one, if you ask me. I think it describes some people's character perfectly. I first heard my mother use the term many years ago; describing her brother [Uncle Reggie] when he had stayed with us for a little. He had just come home from Korea and was okay at first, just relaxing, taking it easy, but soon grew restless and when he spoke of leaving to my Mom, I heard her tell him, much the same thing that I have said in the poem; telling him that she understood that he had a "Sugarfoot." Over the years, I heard her say it numerous times and didn't have to ask what she meant. the intent was always clear. Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Geez.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.