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sugar water
And she was, or was i
Hopeful enough to drink too much
Enough to grow a beard
And she was, or was i
Asking politely
If the driver would play her music
And she was, and she was, and she was
Or was i
A sort of gentleman
To hold your hand, but arise unknowing
Shrugging off a spotless mind
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Fri, 2022-11-04 11:29
I'm...
not sure that I have the thought behind this one correct. I think what you are longing for is, a young and innocent love, one that hasn't been tainted by having loved or been loved before? Intriguing mood. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Mr joghe
Sat, 2022-11-05 16:23
Nice write!
Nice write!
Love relies on feelings and actions. I think both of you didn't know the next junction to follow.
The feelings you have for each other is not strong, since you are doubtful.
"Words are currency of ideas and have the power to change world. Ride your pen on the rough road."
leoferaco
Thu, 2022-11-10 00:02
Thank you, I'm glad you could
Thank you, I'm glad you could catch the hint of doubt in the poem. I've showed it to a few people and they interpreted differently than I intended but you seemed to get what I was initially going for haha.
author commentlovedly
Thu, 2022-11-10 09:29
at 20 guys feel itchy and don't know how to get hold
of the young one
so beautiful
not cold
yet not too old to hold ..
Just cap the i as I...
poet ur rising all can see
Neos