Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.


When the soft crimson gloss on your mouth
greased my broken lips,
the harmattan stricken clay
that carried the footprints of thunder rays,
And I dissolved into your embrace
like a sleeping oil exposed to fire,
I never knew it would be the last time.

It was a sudden rain on a sunny afternoon,
No pregnant clouds,
nor the voice of roaring thunders.

Maybe I was not good for you
For I was a basket in the hands of a boy
sent to the river to fetch water,
A skin of stitches and sundry scars,
A rag on the loins of a pauper,
too full of tear, wear, patches and holes.

I thought you were the medicine
that would make whole my infirmities,
But maybe I'm the poison with no antidote.
I wish I knew it would be the last time
that the soft crimson gloss on your mouth
Would grease my broken lips.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 


I dislike how you used, "lips" on the first and second line. It's kind of repetitive. How about use a word like,"mouth," or something. I like the language use. It's a very awesome poem!

I see reasons with you, I've edited and removed the redundancy


author comment

I felt the pain of your poem. In my opion it is well written as it drew emotions out of me . I love your use of words keep writing my friend

Let your mercy spill on all those
burning hearts in hell( L.Cohen)

(c) No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.