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A SUDDEN RAIN

When the soft crimson gloss on your mouth
greased my broken lips,
the harmattan stricken clay
that carried the footprints of thunder rays,
And I dissolved into your embrace
like a sleeping oil exposed to fire,
I never knew it would be the last time.

It was a sudden rain on a sunny afternoon,
No pregnant clouds,
nor the voice of roaring thunders.

Maybe I was not good for you
For I was a basket in the hands of a boy
sent to the river to fetch water,
A skin of stitches and sundry scars,
A rag on the loins of a pauper,
too full of tear, wear, patches and holes.

I thought you were the medicine
that would make whole my infirmities,
But maybe I'm the poison with no antidote.
I wish I knew it would be the last time
that the soft crimson gloss on your mouth
Would grease my broken lips.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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Editing stage: 

Comments

I dislike how you used, "lips" on the first and second line. It's kind of repetitive. How about use a word like,"mouth," or something. I like the language use. It's a very awesome poem!

I see reasons with you, I've edited and removed the redundancy

Hommies

author comment

I felt the pain of your poem. In my opion it is well written as it drew emotions out of me . I love your use of words keep writing my friend
Lynn

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