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stutter

stutter

Spit and grip on the freedom tip.

Dig the street rhapsody,

soliloquy of the disenfranchised

who witness the lies, alibis, bought and paid for,

playful no more. Meet pissed with a fist and get the gist

that an ignored scream is better than a pliant whisper.

I can't remember an ember so limber it locks in to box in

the hatred. Smoldering, holding in

the ten word long expletive before I begin again.

This sail is full of wind, the volume is kickin' in,

the sickness revealin' grin, blood in my mouth from when

chrome bottle was goin' in. I'll only take a win, left hook to the chin.

Didn't feel it, Thai kick to seal it, KO, uh-oh, I did it again.

Reject it, ignore it, delight or deplore it. While I explore it, I'm here

'til the reaper wins.

Ron
Bluedemon77

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
A play on the rhythms of rap. It's meant to read fast.
Editing stage: 

Comments

love that part

great write ron
memorable for me -
'Reject it, ignore it, delight or deplore it. While I explore it, I'm here / 'til the reaper wins.'

nothing to crit
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I appreciate the kind words. I liked the energy of it. I felt inspired which was a great relief.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Now that's out of your system, I just wonder after such an outburst, (so well written) is there a return to normal ???? lol
Stutter or street fight, the same energy is deployed and the double read from such a write is brill,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I was so relieved when I wrote this because I'd been in sort of a block. Here's hoping I will be back to getting the assignents for Judy's form workshop. I sure hope I have returned and that I'll be back to normal. Thanks for your comment.

Ron
Bluedemon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

(PM me your email address and I will)
I would be proud to read it at a poetry slam.

Sure it has some hesitations and blurs you have to bulldoze over for a live reading, but it works.

Where it doesn't work as M&M is a memorable message. I can't help reflecting what Ian said "Now that's out of your system". There isn't a coherent meaning. I acknowledge it helped you out of a block. I'm still working on mine, it might take a trip on the Manly Ferry. But a little way to go for full M&M.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

I appreciate your comments. I sent my email to you in PM. I can understand the criticism about style over substance. I do, however disagree that there is no meaning. You used Ian's quote to make your point, and I will use a quote of his to retort: "Now that's out of your system, I just wonder after such an outburst, (so well written) is there a return to normal ???? lol
Stutter or street fight, the same energy is deployed and the double read from such a write is brill,
Yours Ian.T

That sounds like a review of a work with meaning. It's my subconscious pummeling its way to the surface. I can't be any more objective about it. I have written poetry that is far more eloquent and elegant, but right now, I can't think of one I like more than this one. There's energy and surprise.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

stutter cuts
stutter of the tat gun
the welders crisp arc

excellent write!

Wheels on the ONR locking up
rounding the rails dragging on
a dark car..the dogs excited

brain jumping the train drive thoughts
first thing before morning

Thank You

I very much appreciate both the kind words and the biting hyperspeed images there after. Your post is one that makes me feel this work has been understood and I offer my deepest thanks for that.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Wonderful write, its all been said before me

kudos

sincerely Jayne-Chloe

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

I appreciate the kind words Jayne-Chloe.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I was not giving you both barrels as I was thinking that it was an outburst from you like unto a leap of faith from being bogged down to being free.
The words disguising the feelings from a street fight to a lost being finding their feet again.
Jess read it right, and there are a few tiny changes to make in the poetry side, and a major change in the writer where he can now use this ladder of words to climb out of the hole he has been in.
There are wonderful singers that when talking they stutter, maybe we should look into it, not to think about it but sing those words, we find at the end of our quills.
I shall read one of mine to my recorder, and see if I can stand the sound of the words lol,
I will await your next few pieces, Yours Ian.T
PS:- I took a trip on the Manly Ferry and as you know you must never pay the ferryman they threw me off the damn thing lol.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks for clearing that up for me. Up to this point I've never been one of the really read poets, a few people check out my work here and there but I've got no illusions. I'm sorry I used what I thought was a positive quote from you without your permission. I'll take the rap of being a shite poet before I'll denounce something that revived me so much.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Your use of what I said was fine, and always feel free to quote at any time makes me feel great lol.
The bit about being bogged down and then taking that leap as we all have to do, to get back to writing.
I sometimes have a problem with using the right words when commenting, my comment to you was a positive thing, your balance of the street fighter to being in a rut of writing was fine.
I wish they would bring back the number of hits per poem on Neopoet, then you would see how many people read your work.
Before they took it off I use to wait until the number of reads reached 60 then I would put that poem into a separate file for final edit.
If any of mine reach 15 now and that is 7 + 7 of mine to reply then I am happy.
This needs to be sorted as good poets like you where a lot read and can't be bothered to reply are doubting their writing appeal.
Please don't worry about not being read there are more readers than writers, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I agree with the counter idea whole-heartedly. Thanks again Ian!

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
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