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Stunted Personality
Thoughout my young life
Words split though my lips
Tearing aimlessly like a knife
Until my peers dug in their grips
I watched as my words fell flat
Expressionless faces looking back
Wanting to end this feelingless vat
I bit my tongue and let my smile crack
But still theres good news to be had
I've found friends much better, I wouldnt go back
They listen intently, sitting so glad
It's a damn shame I find my words now lack
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words:
I haven't been on here in awhile, but this community is so endearing, I simply can't escape it! ;)
(Apologizies if I appear rusty)
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Triskelion
Wed, 2021-06-16 11:06
Appears
this is a lament about a writer's loss of muse and passion. There is a mixture of meter there, but being a technical issue, it's of lower priority to most writers. I hope you discover your muse again.
Thomas
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Geezer
Wed, 2021-06-16 13:08
In going through...
a list of poems that I want to rewrite, I saw a comment by yourself, and wondered what had become of you. Now, here you are, posting a poem! Funny, how things seem to come in a circle. No worries about being rusty, we will polish you up and get you going again. Your meter is mixed as Triskelion says, but I think that after you read a bit of the works current, you will see for yourself, how you can smooth it out. I will stop by later to see if I can be of any help. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Geezer
Thu, 2021-06-17 09:35
I'm back...
I would use the word [ripped] instead of split
It is more in keeping with the tearing. I would also
use a different word for aimlessly, maybe [crazily]?
How about [uninspired faces] instead of expressionless?
Wanting to end this [emotional] vat?
Just a couple of ideas, hope they may be of some help. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Gracy
Mon, 2021-06-21 16:18
Hi mddy, your poem has almost
Hi mddy, your poem has almost perfect rhymes and spacing. I agree with Geez that some lines need to be smoothed a little.
It's highly emotional to read, I hope you're OK and just venting by using poetry.
Enjoyed, will return.
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury