Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

A Study in Pink Storytelling (section Twenty)

Now anyone in London could be a Mog,
and everyone is a suspect,
even Urilla the pretty detective
by Mog now is fully possessed.

Mackwill thought "I must use Arnold."

"I'll give you whatever you want
if you admit that you had Flitz killed."
"detective Urilla wants a proof", Mackwill said,
you give it to her and I'll make you rich"
or your turn will be coming soon.

I have Filtzory's in the bed"
"be good, admit that you had him killed."
Arnold thought why not, chance comes but once
"this shall end my miseries, he thought, but he didn't know
that detective Urilla is possessed;
Sad! Mackwill's dreams and Arnold now are dead.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

a small typo you would want to correct

or you[r] turn will be coming soon.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I appreciate your commitment to read the workshop submissions though not an active participant.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Time to revamp my original thoughts since I am now dead...however, Anabel is gone but not useless..

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I have forgotten who Arnold is or is he a new character? And how did he die Rula? Can you tell us how he died before I move it? You needn't, but I think it would add to the tale. Your section is not very graphic. Too much ordinary "telling" and not enough telling of the story. It needs the actual action like in my last section where the characters actually "acted" in the poetry (which by the way, I thought was atrocious... mine, not yours. Yours is fine).
Does that make sense?
I can explain it more completely if you want.
Also, you forgot to add your submission to the workshop. It's not on the submissions page. I almost missed it which would have been catastrophic.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Arnold is my character; suspect no. 2.
How he died? He was killed by Mog who possessed Urilla the detective.

I know I am bad at telling the story, and yes I need more explanation of what you mean by it needs the actual action... my guess you mean to talk about things done not tell about it. Is that what you wanted?

I am sorry concerning not choosing the right workshop. Seems I scrolled down before getting the cursor fixed on the right ws. My fault.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

It's not a problem.
Please go check out my recent message on the syllabus thread. I'm going to teach.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

"think quickly Annabel"
she kept saying to herself
as red glows from Urilla's eyes.
"those eyes hold the monster's rage."

Annable snatched a bottle
and hit onto the head
"the detective immediately died.
Mog's paralyzed then died too.

In no time she raced the wind
holding Urilla's body on her horse
to meet Arnold Winter
somewhere near the factory.
Let's slay as usual the head
and throw where never found
If they are ever found
the cops think it's Mog the serial killer.

Do you think sir this is any better sir?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Yes, this is storytelling. Mog defeated huh? All that's left is capture Mackwill (although he's innocent in a way having been possessed. Also, is Mog really dead? I wonder. What was he?
Okay Carrie, you will have to make a few adjustments to yours, but I suspect the most of it will work. Read Rula's carefully and change accordingly.
Outrageous Rula.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Have I really got a wow from a distinguished storyteller?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

I'm lost Rula, Urilla possessed I must find out how she became so. i have a great story to follow you. . Now Carrie. I must read her to get the full picture of what she found

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Great story. I got a horrific scary story to tell.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I thought I've read somewhere that Annabel has died?? If I'm not mistaken its Wes who killed her character along with Guy French in his poem. Looks like I gotta recheck the storyline again in the previous poems. Anyway, this one is a good write. I'm thinking of a good ending for Mackwill but I must wait for Carrie's contribution to see if it can fit.

Alid

But I guess I am not....a bit under the weather so now guarantees for any revisions until tomorrow. If I get some quiet time tonight, I will try.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I think this need to move since everyone is happy with it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

I really like the twist you threw into things. I have re-edited my edit and I think I am happy with it if everyone else is. I added lines to it as per Wesley, this was ok, since we are trying to move the piece along. I think it goes nicely and picks up where you left off with a few twist of its own!!!

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I read you rula and Carrie and can't wait to see what alid has written so I can throw a wrench of my own into it.
So if I got this annabelthe killer of fritzroy, arnold, guy, maxwell, and Urilla, mog. So who's left? Creel?

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I've posted mine. Hope you like it.

Alid

Looking forward to reading

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.