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A STUDY IN PINK 28 DESTRUCTION AND SALVATION

As the fire from Macwill hotel spreads,
shouts and screams filled the air
the people of London strived to save the city,
while he enters John Creel's hotel to confront his enemy.

Armed with a knife, John Creel moved with great speed
Macwill saw the man's eyes turned red but he felt no fear
even when his wounds started to bleed aplenty
he died and Mog left John Creel's body.

What of Mackwill's wife who is at the harbour,
waiting to elope with her lover?
when he did not return, she was heartbroken
and tried to end her life out of despair
but a priest saved her and later she became
one of God's servants, dedicating her life to glorify His Name

Urilla dragged herself from sickbed
to strive to protect people from the fire
with her aid, many lives were saved
she lived to continue her passion for many years.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Excellent Epilogue
We have most of the story sorted now, With you in a state of permanent headaches and Wesley on happy pills in some sunset farm or where ever, life seems to be returning to normal, I just have my magic mushrooms to peel and prepare for the rest of the day, Go well you all where or whoever you are LOL
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

can you refer me to that section in which he killed Mackwill because i must have missed it out? Only then I can try to rewrite this.

Alid

author comment

Can you refer me to that section in which he killed Mackwill because i must have missed it out? Only then I can try to rewrite this.Correct me if I'm wrong but this is what I can understand from your section

Mackwill is due to visit me at the hour of three for me to play.
Don’t try to save his ass, he belongs to me, then I shall rest - Mackwill is coming for Mr Creel. Their showdown has not yet started.

There is nothing on your earthly ways you can't beat me now.
I shall return John Creel to you, so the gallows can bend for his just end - This is Mog's plan but that does not mean it will happen like it did as Mackwill has already started the fire and it was already spreading by the time they confront each other. That is why I started my poem with the fire

Alid

author comment

Mackwill went to visit Creel at his hotel at three in the afternoon.
At that time Creel was still possessed by Mog, he though it was not written of, Killed Mackwill and left him all cut up in Creels Hotel.
He left Creel to explain to the police, why there was a body all cut up in his hotel (Mackwill's body)
Mog searched for another to possess and found a man who was going to America the next day (Loved's write ).
Now we need from you, the happenings of Mackwill, an epilogue for your man and we want to know what happened when he went to the meeting with Creel, and a sort of summary of his ways and life..
Hope this has cleared the situation.
As you have written it, it caries the story on, though it has already stopped when Mog left for the USA by ship.
I then wrote the resolution for Wesley which winds the story up.
After that we need the Epilogues from Barbara, then You, and then lastly Carrie, this will conclude the whole workshop, I shall wait for Wesley to consolidate the whole thing when he returns.
I hope you can understand the reason of your write, Carrie has already written of her Annabel/James character.
Annabel died a while ago and Carrie has been writing of her still.
Your write would have been fine if the story was to continue, it will need an adjustment for the story of Mackwill, and you can show how good he was in death, as he would have had to face the Mog on that day at three pm.
Hope this sorts things out for you Don't worry the police will catch him ????
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

here's the problem. I'm not even writing about Mog. I thought he left before my character confronts yours, that the last two lines is what Mog believed to be true. Mackwill didn't just plan to burn his hotel, he executed it to attract John Creel's attention to lure the man to him. The fire also serves as a distraction while he faced off with Mr Creel. Then I did read somewhere that Mog actually possessed him, not Mr Creel before this. When Stan wrote about Mog, I said fine and I did read Wes comment saying that's the end of Mog. Then you wrote about Mog too and I'm like "What the hell is happening?!! Mog's story is starting to drag and if there's another participant write about Mog, I'm seriously going to be pissed off Now I'M stuck with how to correct my own contribution. I thought with the burning hotel and the fire spreading across the city will open doors to one helluve ending but now I felt that it becomes irrelevant and I'm feeling exhausted. I thought this IS an epilogue not a continuation as I brought the ending chapter for Mackwill, Creel, Mackwill's wife and Urilla. Alas, maybe I'm not ready for this kind of workshop after all.

Alid

author comment

I think the main reason for a lot of the confusion you and others are having is directly due to my being unexpectedly gone for almost two weeks. As a result of my trying to quickly catch back up on my return I think I posted my final write about Mog unaware that the creature had supposedly already been killed off. I apologize to all who have been tripped up by this.

But since the water has already gone under the bridge we must deal with things as they now stand. I like your idea of a fire. You should keep this. I have no intention of writing anything more about Mog which would affect any of the people in London and definitely none of our characters. I suggest you concentrate mostly on your own character and the character might well be thinking back on his/her "adventure" during this episode and how these things affected your character in later life or afterlife. The more you concentrate on your character and the less time you spend on others the clearer and easier it will be for you. Also with less said by you about other characters, the easier it will be for others to end their characters' tales.

I don't think Any of us were aware of how complicated this shop would wind up being so don't despair. Walk away for a day or so then come back and see things with fresh eyes. Hope I've been of some assistance

Appreciate it very much but I'll wait for other's to comment before deciding what to do.

Alid

author comment

Your Epilogue of Mackwill seals the story fine, the two fighting at Creels place after the fire was started in Mackwill's hotel was fine, and the conclusion of the two main characters was well delivered and told that part from Mackwill's point of view. There may have to be a short Epilogue from Creel but we wanted the story ended.
Carries write of her Annabel/James's story kind of completed that side and was interesting.
There was a slight glitch when Stan tried to kill the nasty Creature you don't want to hear of, but that was defused as he delayed his escape to the States.
The main battle between Mackwill and Creel you covered so well in your epilogue.
I hope your Patience hasn't ended, Maybe next year a creature may have to join Nevermore and Killer in the States and of course Digit, then your group of hero's can have a good old fight some place lol.
Thanks for your part in this it has been a great test of co-operation between poets, I found it gave me a lot of writing apart from the pieces I had to do for the piece..
Take care and lets now get back to normality,
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thank you for the feedback. (sighing in relief) Do you want me to rewrite the part about John Creel's end or should I leave Rula to write it? Truth to be told, I don't really have the idea how to do it and I want to let Rula has something to write.

Alid

author comment

I've done some edits in light of what you have told me, so please check if this is okay. I'm following Wes instruction that an epilogue could be the ending chapter for one or a few characters. If this doesn't work, I'm afraid I'm out of ideas and need your help to edit this piece.

Alid

author comment

The reply to your edit is as above,
Take care Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

love to write about the dead. Wouldn't have been my writing if there wasn't something creepy going on or some type of dead person speaking or doing odd things!!!

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I thought this was good, very good. But definitely we need to see a wrap up of Mackwill's character since he played such an important part :) IT was great working with you.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

If you refer to my reply to Ian here, maybe you'll understand why I am still writing about Mackwill. That stanza, in my point of view, did not emphasize Mackwill's death, only Mog's plan to leave John Creel. So I write it to provide both of these nemesis's ending. My problem here is how to say when Mog left. Obviously he didn't die at the end of the battle. When Stan wrote about Mog, I thought that is the ending for him but Ian continued with him and now the joke is on me...(headache)

Alid

author comment

err, any ideas? I'm really out of one. Help, pretty pleeease?(batting my eyelids and making a pitful face)

Alid

author comment

Now you know why I asked Ian to write the resolution for me. Somehow the man has the story in hand and figured out. I am with you and confused out of my poor, pathetic little mind. Fortunately the nurses here at "Happy Sunset Farms" tell me I'm not a poet or a workshop leader anymore. I'm a normal human without such concerns. I don't believe them, but the drugs are fun. They are addictive and mind altering which could actually get me into more trouble when I come back.
I liked your original epilogue and it was what I imagined should/would happen... except that Ian says... and Ian knows. Do your best to rewrite or post it as is. I'm exhausted and okay with either outcome. Ian can fix it. Ian can fix anything.
Thank you for trying so hard all the way through.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Ah that's better those men in the white coats have let go of my arms for a while so I can reply to some of the words from Alid and Carrie, They have both completed the task and might still be sane good on them He HE.
I shall wait for Rula to find the time for the final write to this complex marathon.
I had it all copied into one piece here so that any changes or writes could be cross checked, it helped me keep up with all the killings I hope now later I may write of the trial of Creel but that will be later when the courts have convened.
You take care and not to worry, Yours Ian.T He He

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I am never sane, you should know that by now! LOL! All you have to do is read my writing, nothing sane there

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

To add to such a lively discussion. I think if Ian removed his mog contradiction to Stan mog section it might eliminate Alid headache. Don't know for certain if that'll work because I'm not on my happy alert meds right now and feeling crappy on top of it And after a few days of back in my thirties when I felt good gone down the drain lol. Think it's the cold weather coming . Been having fun past few days on here. I must've did too much greeting, reading, and critiquing. Lol. By the way alizarin I simply loved what you wrote. Its what I thought you might do for a great ending.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Doubling again grins''

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Thank you for the visit and the feedback.

Alid

author comment

I think I am too late to give any comment. I just wanted to say it was a great apportunity for me to work with you. So talented indeed.
I belive each of us has developed in a way or another during this workshop. And you were a good example.
Thank you for your participation.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Thank you for the kind words and the visit.

Alid

author comment

Either way I'm going to use this spot to comment on the something that absolutely fascinates me.

This workshop was an experiment. That meant if it failed or succeeded we weren't going to be elated or dejected, but rather walk off with something learned.

Well... I learned something I did... I truly did... I learned something.
Set a group of people semi in charge of an ever changing scenario and you will generate enough enthusiastic discussion to power a small city.
I have operated more workshops here at NeoPoet than I can keep track of. I have been involved in as many more and never (did I say never?), NEVER have I witnessed a level of enthusiasm (well or ill placed... I don't care) such as this in any of them. Workshops don't usually wind up around a water cooler talking about what happened last and what should happen next and yet everytime I tuned in I found a collection of contributors arguing (yes, arguing... some of this became downright emotional) about what a brand new submissions meant to their next submission (which by the way THEY'D ALREADY WRITTEN AND NOW THEY HAVE TO WRITE IT OVER AGAIN).

It warms the cold, old, shriveled cockles of my heart.
Somehow (accidentally I assure you... it was not my intention) I excited a bunch of poets out of their comfort zone. I've been trying to do that in a much more organized way for years and here all I had to do was let them write a story.

What to do? What to do?
Whether I would make the attempt at this sort of workshop again would be entirely (and I do mean entirely) up to the participants of this one. Is it worth the effort? Is anything at all learned from such a thing? Was it fun? I would choose not to try this again. The whole chaotic mess was simply to unwieldy to make it worthwhile. Do any of you disagree? I will gladly bend to popular demand and if something like this has anyone's interest I would wait three to six months and have another go.
There are a number of changes I would make. Such as the suggestion of a storyboard. The tale will be laid out from beginning to end with the details left to be filled in as well as the actual language of the poem (for poem it must be).
Each participants section would be larger to begin with.
And so on.
I will make an official announcement as to the closing of the workshop shortly in the syllabus thread (sorry to clutter yours with all this old chap, but that's where the thoughts struck me).
I still would like to see an epilogue by Rula if she can make the time and if Barbara wanted to offer a few last words that would tickle me no end as she has been a driving force behind whatever success we may have had.
Thank you Barbara. Thank you very much.
Also, thank you Ian for keeping track of all of this (how you did that boggles the mind) and thank you for my Resolution.
And of course thank you to my moderator in chief Rula without whom I wouldn't be doing much of anything around here.
Since the game is pretty much over, I will give you another. I did not proofread this missive. Shame on me I know, but I'll give a point to anyone who can find a grammatical or typographical mistake in this, a first draft.
You may do what you like with the points, but they can be traded in with me for all manner of favors. Poetic favors of course, but favors indeed.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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