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Stretching wings workshop (morphing exercise)

The marriage of Oeagrus

sandal dust rose
in the overcast affliction
of midday
I was reaching for rain
when
horizon born Calliope
touching clouds like a spear
appeared
her lustrous beauty
in an instance of blinding fire
ate my nakedness

approaching
but then again
a vision of the wind in flux

Oh, save me

the lamb of subjection covered me
the smell of ancient dust
and steel mixed with blood
I begged her eyes
my life force gushed

highlighting her golden girdle
soporific sunshine
slept...
for this age of waste, was,
in my eyes
as I wept

and there, a marble cloud
swallowing the sun this joyous day
when Oeagrus and his company
would cast my lot to slip away

slipping to that field so bright
of flower blossoms morphed to light
the holy saints in robes of white
had gathered to my feast tonight

and for the fair Calliope
my sacrifice for all to see

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Hopefully, Scribbler will be as impressed.~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Geezer. It was an interesting exercise. I had to add to my earlier free verse to accommodate the rhyming morph. I just expanded on the finale. I also hope it didn't detract from the original.

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

you did well. Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

But the change from free verse to western classic would work better if it was more gradual.In good morphing poetry the change should be so gradual as to be un-noticed. i know I'm being a bit tough now but the upcoming exercise will require this morphing poem to be excellent in its form not just good. I think we ALL want this shop to really stand out as an example of improvement via workshopping

I can't see how I can make the change more subtle. Having one's throat cut can only generate so much conscious thought...lol.. I used near rhyme, rhyme separated out of meter...rhyme separated by multiple lines and I just ran out of time...any suggestions would be welcome.

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

The change doesn't have to be subtle as much as gradual......Hmmmm........The final 3 stanzas with the rhyming couplet at the end work very well. The ones preceding it, although they make use of near rhymes here and there actually all read to ma as free verse. Now the change to rhyming can be granulized by first rhyming only 2 lines then changing the positions of the two lines. One could then rhyme 3 out of four lines then change the pattern to ABAB then to AABB. A good example of this experimental form is "Widow's Retreat" which can be found here on sight.Don't feel discouraged about this. i once did an entire workshop on morphing poetry

The change doesn't have to be subtle as much as gradual......Hmmmm........The final 3 stanzas with the rhyming couplet at the end work very well. The ones preceding it, although they make use of near rhymes here and there actually all read to ma as free verse. Now the change to rhyming can be granulized by first rhyming only 2 lines then changing the positions of the two lines. One could then rhyme 3 out of four lines then change the pattern to ABAB then to AABB. A good example of this experimental form is "Widow's Retreat" which can be found here on sight.Don't feel discouraged about this. i once did an entire workshop on morphing poetry

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