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THE STRANGER

Casting my griefs like the shedding summer trees
I offload my burden into the quiet lake.
Leaned upon a rock, I watched
The palm trees
and tulips dance and flutter in the eerie wind.

"The world has taken its shots again,
And we seem to be losing in its sport, my friend."
A strange voice broke from familiar sober eyes.
A kindred spirit lodged beside me
With a bottle of liquor in hand.

"I love to watch the sunset collapse
behind the golden hills…"

"When was the last time you were genuinely happy?
At a peaceful life with zero worries or pain?
She asked.

"When I was still a fetus," I mumbled.

"I started experiencing hardship
when my dad hit my mom when
we were still in the womb,
that we were born prematurely.

The incubator was our first life support,
Domestic Violence greeted us in the belly;
It forced mom to leave us barely two months old.
But there is no excuse for neglecting two infants
because their father was a rascal.

As if that was not enough,
Danny left me at sixteen,
The rest of my pathetic nine years
in this lonely existence
has been a story too difficult
for the most creative writers to pen."

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

this is real power. It grabs you by the neck, would strangle you, but will not let you go. There is no watering down, no superfluous words. In the middle of all the tragedy there is a feeling of dignity.

I think this is great because of its primal power;
only one thing: think of introducing the speaker first, and then give the quote. On first reading it the quote threw me out of the poem because it came so strange and unconnected with what preceded.

A strange voice broke from familiar sober eyes.
A kindred spirit lodged beside me
With a bottle of liquor in hand.
"The world has taken its shots again,
And we seem to be losing in its sport, my friend."

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Thanks a lot! I will edit and take your suggestions

Hommies

author comment

to classify this, but the images are sharp and clear. I agree with tyro, introduce the speaker first. I can't help any more than that. A powerful piece. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

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