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Storyline

The night was lit
by a bonfire.
The cascading flames,
like entwined limbs,
leaped in an ecstatic frenzy
emitting countless sparks
of sweetened desire.

I lay bare
sizzling in summer's dream,
tossing in the heat
of our dying embers.
Your silhouette
loomed large over me
eclipsing the moon.

I woke up
on cold wrinkled sheets
reaching out for your warmth,
but beside your pillow
lay my reading glasses
and upon them,
your finger prints.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I have made a sincere effort, to follow Wesley's guidelines about using punctuation, before posting this rough draft. I would welcome readers pointing out the flaws, if any.
Editing stage: 

Comments

talking about the story, I thought some honest emotions have been presented well throughout.
I too liked the imagery. Some real good lines especially in the closing lines.
Well done!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thanks for the read and your comments. You are right about some "honest emotions" and imagery about the closing lines. In fact this poem stands on the closing lines of a real time experience once shared by a dear friend may be a few years back which i had found touching and had remained etched in my memory.

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I answer.
First problem:

"leaping in an ecstatic frenzy," (the sentence doesn't make sense grammatically. Replace "leaping" with "leaped", eliminate the comma at the end and all is solved).

"I lay bare," (this comma is not necessary. Listen to your sentence. It just plows right on needing no pause there).

"looming large over me" (with "looming" you come to the end of your sentence needing to go on and finish it... in other words, an incomplete sentence. Replace "looming" with "loomed" and you're done. Complete sentence).

"on cold wrinkled sheets," (again you don't need this comma. There is no "breath" here).

"but beside your pillow," (no comma necessary. Your sentences flow forward better than you think. Stop pausing in the middle and just go on).

"and upon them," (this comma is important. Grammatically it is incorrect, poetically it is critical. It is the single most important "symbol", letter or otherwise, in the whole poem. The poem nigh collapses without it. Do you understand?).
Try to eliminate as many commas as you can and listen more carefully to your sentences. Using the "ing" form of a word will cause you to need a second half of a sentence. Use the suffix "ed" and you will not in most cases.
Don't stop. This was better organized.
Now, what about a little rhyme just to make me and Rula happy?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Yes, I called and you arrived, which is very true and I thank you for that and for analyzing the poem grammatically and objectively supported with explanations. Actually, I am pretty good with grammar and punctuations when it comes to business communication. However, when it comes to writing poetry I have surprisingly finding chinks there and I am truly grateful for your being around to help me with it. Learning is truly a continual process and I still consider myself on a learning curve. Perhaps English not being my mother tongue these things are not coming to me naturally but it can't be an excuse for sure.

I have studiously looked at the reasoning and explanatory notes provided by you and implemented all the suggestions provided by you. Please take a look and confirm that it looks and feels better w.r.t. flow / cadence, grammar and punctuation.

I have understood why and when the "ing" needs to be replaced with the suffix "ed" and will take that into account during my next writes and edits.

I truly appreciate your patience and will look forward to more learning tips and tools from you. Hopefully, there would soon come a time when you would find I am doing good in getting rid of those chinks.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

... I'm going to add you to my protégé list. It won't change anything about how I analyze your poetry, it simply puts you on my mentor list. That puts your poems on a list for me, so I don't miss one (I do that a lot).
There is nothing problematic about your poetry, you are simply lacking in grammar and punctuation. This is easily repaired.
Please consider it. I can help you with this with ease.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

It would truly be a great privilege for me if you can find time to visit my writes and provide your most valuable tips and suggestions, in fact tutor me in areas needing improvement. You are most welcome to add me to the list which would be to my advantage.

Regards and thanks.

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Your language skills are imaginative. I would offer only those things structurally I notice. I don't have all the answers, but thanks to NeoPoet I have some of them.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I think this is outstanding this is one of your best in my opinion those fingerprints on the glasses at the end were the icing on the cake, Wesley has already provided some awesome advice I cant see anything that I could offer at this stage, I know with his tutelage you will only get better and better

looking forward to your next

much love and hugs Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thanks for your visit and the read. Good to know you liked it. Always welcome your comments.

much love n hugs....

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

i like the internal motive that spur the poem to navigational dialysis, creating momentary ellipses

Thank you for visiting my page and appreciate your dropping a nice comment ..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

This is fresh
the last stanza is perfect
as simplicity is always perfect
and this image:

'Your silhouette
loomed large over me
eclipsing the moon.'

is really beautiful

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

Thanks for being on this page and for your appreciative comment. I am glad you liked the imagery. I agree that there is beauty in simplicity. I would also welcome your critique when you find something amiss.

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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