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Stir Crazy( critique workshop)

The quiet screams at me
it echoes and surrounds
emptiness within these walls
nothing stirs but I

Images and imagination running rampant
searcing for a place to land and take seed
but there is only one that breathes
with a fertile mind
to plant a seed

How long must this go on?
before the rest of me
is gone
how long,how long

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
those that know me know I will have surgery (nothing awful) and I have to isolate from the general public as best as possible it has been four days and this is the product
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

The quiet screams at me----------- seeing as quiet is the protaganist--- scream still works because I know what you mean.
it echoes and surrounds
emptiness within these walls
nothing stirs but I

Images and imagination running rampant
searcing for a place to land and take seed
but there is only one that breathes
with a fertile mind
to plant a seed--------- maybe you dont need this line? because you have already established in the upper line.

How long must this go on?------ good question
before the rest of me
is gone
how long,how long-------- good ending. and on to the next chapter

Chrys, i really, really like this i think it is quite signature to your type writing, its your inner mind taking a breath and thinking about what you are feeling, within your feer and entering the unknown. I can say i relate to this a lot. Your title fits like a glove.

now im sending you a giant hug because i know, its tuff anytime waiting for a hospital visit, however in times of covid its also that bit more scary. I hope that its a peaceful moment and you find your inner piece. read a great book and take advantage of people looking after you.

Thank you...Teddy

In spending a lot of time in my room
and socially distancing from my friends and family
I feel much the same. The brief respite I had
at my sister's little brother-sisters gathering recently
did wonders for me and my wife. I was particularly
struck by the use of [I] instead of [me] in your first
stanza. It emphasized the aloneness and made it better understood.

I was interested in the next stanza and what it said about the
fertile mind and planting a seed. Is it the one person that has
been particpating in the workshop?

[A gentle reminder to those that
joined, but so far, have not participated].

~ Gee.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

tk you I see what you mean with that one line good call

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author comment

In an attempt to cheer you a little in your isolation I offer you a silly ballad to read, maybe laugh at, and then explain how badly it is composed.

THE BALLAD OF A TALE WITH NO TAIL

A frog leaped on a floating leaf
When on its downward drift.
In and out of reeded reef
As placid currents shift.

Observing all things in his view
Through popping, bulging eyes,
Taking in a snack or two
By swatting flitting flies.

The river bank went ambling past
Quite slowly, so it seemed.
The frog, upon the leaf, at last,
Just drifted off and dreamed.

Lulled by splashy, rippled rings
That swirled and twirled him round,
He dreamt of calm and tranquil things
As blandly homeward bound.

And time sailed by as mile on mile
Remained a ways behind.
Basking in the sun, in style,
With little on his mind.

Then in his native lilly pond
The leaf he perched on stopped;
No reason for to go beyond,
So off the leaf he hopped.

 

Always with you, a sea width apart,  Alan

 

 

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

I would use the word [gulping] instead of swatting
Swatting makes it sound more like he is using a fly-swatter.
River banks don't amble; how about [on]?
~Geez.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

from you again Geezer. A replacement word for ambling needs to be 2 sylabubbles though. May change swatting. Has to end in 'ing' (as does your 'gulping').

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

thank you for the smile

Join us for the new workshop on Critique basic sign up now

join us for chat every [email protected];30 pm est

author comment

Sorry to leap on in here, (deep grin)
I'd like to kiss your frog if you don't mind Sir, I'd like to see if he turns into a Prince. ?

Thank you...Teddy

all frogs can turn into a prince, don't you know? All you have to do is believe it (haven't you noticed Prince Charles' voice sounding a little croaky lately?).

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

Darling, i think somone kissed prince charles and turned him into a frog! Good Night Sir.

Thank you...Teddy

I understand you are going to the hospital? Sorry, I can't send you a get-well card and a box of chocolates, but I can send you this doggerel.

Morale Booster for a Sick Friend

We know, yours is just a very temporary stay
At the place where you must wear a gown
That’s open in the back (for comfort, so they say).
Now, my friend, don’t let that insult get you down.

Doctors, nurses may well test your outlook on life,
But discomfort can’t ever dim your spirit’s light;
Soon, you’ll come home , feeling quite all right,
And you will say, “Whew! I’m better by a mite!”

Wishing you the best, sweetie. Jerry

home now all went well only have the use of one hand for now

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join us for chat every [email protected];30 pm est

author comment

Great to know you are home.

Thank you...Teddy

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