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By the Still Water's Edge

I gazed down from the water's side
To see a silver gleam
And standing staring looked and tried
To see beyond the stream.
The clearest water sparkling, pure,
Below me stilled and calm;
Its cooling, soothing, fooling lure,
Seductive in its charm.

I saw a young man peering on
With eyes that conquered all.
But in a moment he was gone ~
Uncanny, I recall.
Beneath the surface he was there,
A soul of twenty four,
Then vanished in the swell somewhere
And left me by the shore.

Again he came when it was staid
And braved another glance.
Had I his acquaintance made
Long by-go, by chance?
He spake and told me in a rhyme
He yearned that he was me;
Though musing swept me back in time ~
I longed that I was he.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Stanza 1 line 3 bothers me. Just don't like the [stony] could it be maybe [steady]? stanza 3 line 2 could it be [And I braved another glance]? ~ Geezer.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

Geezer. Yes... I will change one or two things here, St, 1 L3 being one of them.
I appreciate your advice a great deal.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
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author comment

Intriguing poem, Alan. My understanding is that the young man is N when he was young. Sort of wanting to go back in time.
The dreamy quality is deftly achieved. Great rhyming all through. I agree about using "steady", sounds better and doesn't spoil the alliteration.
This merits another read, so I'll return.

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

I'm pleased that you followed the plot so well. I have a couple of things to change, as you say, Your critique is very well received ~ thank you.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

Hello, Alan,
Isn't this how most of us feel as we get on in years? Certainly I do. Longing for the spirit of the younger version of ourselves, and appreciating the wisdom which comes with aging. Your poem is sobering and mellow, but somehow not sad to me. Almost accepting the longing for the past as part of the journey forward. Wonderful rhyme and structure and your title is beautiful.
Thank you!
L

I appreciate your kind words very much. I am pleased that you enjoyed this and it did not make you feel sad ~ It's just one of those things.
With regards the title, sometimes I think that the title should not be exactly reprised in the body of the piece ~ just a thought
I look forward to seeing more of you here

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

Pure and simple. Yes I think we all feel this wayas Lavender mentioned

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join us for chat every [email protected];30 pm est

Pure and simple! Yes, a goodly appraisal of my poem.
I hope you enjoyed reading it over breakfast.
Stay on top.....

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

a very nice poem, well written and thoughtful.

'Long by-go, by chance?' I think this line really breaks the rhythm and does not allow a flow over the line. it also has five syllables while the rest has six.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Thank you for reading and commenting.
Your thoughts are much appreciated.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment
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