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Stepford I

Submitted by China Blue on Sun, 2010-10-31 08:44

What Mankind Has Done

But for the cold
Calculating stare
Of electric blue orbs
Lightening flashing
From within
You’d think it human

Others blind their eyes
And deafen ears
When in her presence

Faint whirrs and clicking
Are the only clue
That she
No longer lives

Once filled
With life’s passion
Flowing through every vein
The sole giving of all
To flora, fauna and mankind

Soft murmuring voices
Not unlike that
Of an old time
Party line
Once gave comfort

But the humanity
She so loved
Began tearing
Piece after piece
Of flesh and bone

Voices became louder
More discernable
Screaming words of hate, rage and anger
Lust and greed

Replacing the soft words
Of hope, caring and life
Till not a shadow was left
From the essence of her being

Now
Walking among them that are loathed
For creating the entity
Standing before you

No longer to remember
The world she so loved
For there is no longer life and she is reborn
From hatred

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
It is great to be back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

themoonman

Sun, 2010-10-31 09:18

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remind me to stay clear of those blue orbs,
powerful write.

themoonman

Sun, 2010-10-31 10:36

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Man Made
Human Combustion
Look at your own expense
Don't feed the Bears
or
Feed the Bears
Man finally made something

I don't know, let me think on it, but I do agree it could
be stronger.

great to be back with my other family

Richard

judyanne

Sun, 2010-10-31 22:29

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i really enjoyed it
why not borrow from an already well known story and use just plain 'stepford' for the title?

love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

scribbler

Sun, 2010-11-14 21:25

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simulacrum ? looks the same yet totally different. I liked this for its despair.........scribbler

Race_9togo

Wed, 2010-11-17 21:58

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It is so very true, ill treatment begets despair, despair begets sociopathy and roboticism.
There are so many in the real world, like this.

Excellent write Chrys...disquieting but true.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

weirdelf

Fri, 2011-01-21 07:57

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I love the current title except... the poem is written in the 3rd person. Stepford Her doesn't really work 8), would you consider doing the whole person in the first person? That would also allow for some scary hints of possible repercussions.

Also Lightening, Lightning I think you meant.

Great to see you.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Kailashana2

Fri, 2011-01-21 07:42

A poem before I returned. I ditto Jess. It's difficult to know when to use first second or third person in a poem. For me the first person is always the most powerful along with the present tense.

I would end it with *from hatred*. Having a strong word such as hatred for the *last word*, imo adds even more impact. ("of man" is already hinted, understood).

~A

scribbler

Fri, 2011-01-21 21:40

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I seldom change a title myself but rather than my earlier suggestion maybe "On Being Inhuman ".....just a thought............stan

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