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Steel Your Will

Submitted by alidzain on Fri, 2016-08-26 14:11

When the voices of doubts
threaten to halt your will to strive
and people with cruel thoughts,
their words stab you like a knife.

You see the unbelievers unite
to squander your hopes and dreams
and turn you into ashes in the night
whlle they watch and laugh as you scream.

When your heart aches to walk away,
to be free from the tension they bring
Don't bow, don't surrender, don't stray
but be the little bee with a mighty sting,

Silence them with glory, undenied
by showing your best to all of them
Stand tall before them, full of pride
and ask them," Know you, who I am?"

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Vivovon

Fri, 2016-08-26 14:44

An inspiring piece of poem. It reads well.
One thought, though. Today world is filled with cultural conflicts. I try my best to avoid the controversial political word such as "unbeliever," which is used by some groups to denounce the others. Also, the word "stray" carries double edge because it indicates the dogma that 'this way is right and that way is wrong." This is so because I believe that everything is relative.
Just a thought. The poem itself is a good read.

xxxxx

alidzain

Fri, 2016-08-26 15:10

alidzain's picture

yeah, I know, but I think that the next few verses actually explain "Unbelievers" as someone who don't believe one can achieve one's goal that their very presence is a threat. As for "stray" in this piece is to abandon one's dream/goal, so I think its okay to use them.Then again, if you have suggestions, come share them.

Alid

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Vivovon

Fri, 2016-08-26 19:10

Hello alidzain,

I am satisfied with your explanation. I thank you for taking time to clarify my points. Very good of you.

xxxxx

Geezer

Fri, 2016-08-26 16:08

Geezer's picture
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about everything in this work. Being the liberal thinker that I am, [Not a political stand, please!] I mostly took it the way that you meant it! Of course, there is the stigma of those words being the mantra of many fanatical-groups, but I think that the obvious meaning was clear. Nice job, Ali. ~ Geezer

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

alidzain

Fri, 2016-08-26 17:15

alidzain's picture

Glad you liked it. I was being harassed by some so-called friends that I have because I try to reach higher for my dream to be a writer. They pissed me off when they keep saying I am a loser so I show them my published work and tell them to shut up. I mean it's my dream and I have worked hard to gain the skills to be a malay writer and they just want to thrash it. I imagined I am a 3rd person who was advising someone else in my shoes and this poem just begged to be written.

Sorry that I didn't send my ideas about our Killer and Hunter tagteam story. Just too busy here, bro. Give me 3 weeks and I 'll try to send you my written ideas.

Alid

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Geezer

Sun, 2016-08-28 03:40

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when you give your best effort! If you learn from your mistakes and see how to improve, then you are not wasting your time. Some people just can't stand to see another be unafraid to make the effort. They are afraid to change and to risk their ego. I see you don't let them get you down. Nice job! Take you time and make your story good and we will see what we can do. ~ Gee.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Search

Fri, 2016-08-26 21:25

Search's picture

Great read here. I'm all to familiar with emotions of the poem. I have faced and am still facing people who are trying to put me down and pray for my downfall, because they don't want to be alone in the mud pile of a life to live in. It does take great courage and resolve to overcome such negative forces, and I admire that greatly. You have inspired me and I thank you.

alidzain

Sat, 2016-08-27 02:25

alidzain's picture

I'm glad that you feel that way. You see these people who try to bring us down, they don't understand passion and most often than not, they only see value in money, so if we don't get paid well, to them, we are wasting our time. I don't want to do just a "job" with the benefits only for limited people, I want to do something that can last after I leave this world for my family, my race, my religion and my country. Malay poetry is my way of introducing the beauty of the malay language. It can be a story, advice, religion, suggestion and motivation.

You should tell the people who try to put you down that if you are willing to go all the way for your goal, then why should they be so negative about it? More importantly, reach for your goals but never let it be a reason that relationship with loved ones are sacrifice. In the end, we will need their support when we are down. Going all the way does not mean becoming too obsess with them that we forget everything else. I've seen people do that and ended up hurting many people. Going all the way to me, means that you continue to struggle even though many people say you can;t do it.

Best of luck in whatever you do. Remember life needs a balance.

Alid

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