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Into The Stars
i looked up in the stars then made a wish,
to yearn for you is to cry for the moon
wished that you had never been this hard to reach,
so that we'll both be love existent very soon.
man is living as the Earth is rotating,
so is the time passes the same time it exists,
why was this love born out from a distance?
leaving me hanging with droplets of chance...
folks around said,"start while the Sun is good...
go for your dream and stop chasing butterflies,
how will you get her if you will never try...?
motivate,find your time...or else be lost.."
visions of forever flows down through my veins
and your sweet memories always blur my days,
what should i do? losing you can drive me insane..
while bridging the distance always costs me pain..
my heart do commands me to hold on and stay strong..
my mind makes me hope that God will be on my back..
whenever we're together, i forgot that we're two worlds apart..
and this love grows sweeter and five worlds immortal..
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Kailashana2
Wed, 2010-12-08 06:22
*Gazed* is probably more
*Gazed* is probably more overused in poetry than *looked*, imo. The use of simple words added to the dramatic ending, which is superb.
"and this love grows sweeter and five worlds immortal.."
This poem works for me on every level of my comprehension.
Thanks,
~A
p.s. "My heart commands me to hold on and stay strong" (*do* is unnecessary, or if you must use it the correct tense is *does*.)
whitescatter
Wed, 2010-12-08 09:11
tnx.
tnx..for the compliments..good day to both of you...kaila,i forgot it the time i posted this poem...
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