an excellent piece of writing. perfect in everyway!

Namaste,

Lenny

I love this as each time one reads it it is different,
creates different images in the mind and as the
ceiling and peeling things, and cracks and such
are always fascinatingly evocative of all sorts;
this is enjoyed immensely by me.

Love Ann.

I like your piece, the repetition's are strong and not
overdone. It does seem to me that the meter isn't quite
right on the first and third verses, perhaps not important
but I thought I'd point that out.

The second verse to me is the strongest, meter and
thought flow in almost perfection, except ... The paint
peeling, seems to be plural, in spots, made me want to
add "s" to "surrender" and "plunder" ... may just be me.

The last line seems a leap for me, maybe it's just the word
"pretender", not sure.

merely observations, very strong images here, enjoyed the
read!

It wasn't painful in any way for me, I hope you accept the few
issues I found in the spirit given, Neopoet is first and foremost
a workshop for poetry ... in my opinion, there are no completed
poems until the poet is dead. I know that I have many that I like
to think are completed, but find myself changing them just the
same, because of many reasons, but mostly for logic's sake.
The last line, to me, is illogical, the subject (being you) would
like to be released where? into the ceiling, into the air, to fly
away ... to me it doesn't follow the rest of the poem, but it
doesn't hinder my enjoyment of the poem in the least, in fact
to me, it gives us reason for interaction ...

thank you

Then we are certainly on the same street!

You had me back peddling on the subject, but to me,
"this soul", "this pretender" indicates first person.
I love the explanation for the last line, and now it is
a much easier reach, but still not quite there the way it is
presented now, and only for me obviously, perhaps it is my flawed
reading.

I thank you for the conversation, enjoyed it immensely !

with respect

Richard

CB,

really liked this one. I find it left the reader thinking about one main theme...why were they on the ground in the first place? The lack of information as to why really adds to this piece and opens up a myriad of answers.

Love the 'off-white surrender' line...sublime.

I see you've used 'ground' in your rhyming sequence in the first stanza and the last. I know you are looking to change the last line by dropping 'pretender' but I wonder if an alternative word to 'ground', but still rhyming with 'bound' would be useful.

kind regards,

HS

Hello Cryptic Dear!

You are so lucky,
Blessed with a dialogue
With the one and only Moon-man
For whom I’d give my life,
If only he could my poems scan

We all know
I know little or nothing
Of meter
Neither rhythm nor rhyme,
Still I compose prosaic poetry,
That as you once did once say,
Twas no crime

But I have a definite mission,
Of my own
To read all of yours,
You all I can’t disown.

I looked at my ceiling,
Twas a bit blinding,
Of that much later,
Tis now yet so cryptic
My dear,
Now I’m winding