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Star Link [Choka - June Contest]
Wish I could, but can't
fill my pocket with the stars
far out of my reach
on wobbly toes stretched to seek
that lone star at least
whom I adore and now miss
who nicked me her turtle dove
As I toss and turn
on a bed full of sorrow
the whisper of breeze
sings for me a lullaby
with wintry eyes closed
beneath a blanket of woes
I seek her surrogate warmth
Will she, will she not
light up even if briefly
my dream worn of stars
to hold my hand and guide me
Will she, will she not
walk me around prickly thorns
to greet me with streaks at dawn
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
riotface97
Sun, 2016-06-26 00:19
Connected with this one.
The feeling of reaching for the stars, but not being able to reach them. The curse, for me at least, of being human... Searching for feelings once known but now lost. The double use of lullabies however threw me off a bit as they were coming from both the stars and the wind. However, a phenomenal read. In the second stanza I especially liked the juxtaposition of the positive with the negative, was that intentional? Best of luck with the competition.
Nick.
raj
Sun, 2016-06-26 05:48
Thank you Nick for taking
Thank you Nick for taking time to read this one and leave an elaborate comment. Good to know you could connect with the theme though not happily...yes, the juxtaposition was intentional...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentEduardo Cruz
Tue, 2016-06-28 11:23
raj,
Sounds like a winner to me.
Nice even tone and dramatic pictures.
Enjoyed much
Good luck,
Cheers
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
raj
Tue, 2016-06-28 12:51
Hi Eddie
Thank you for the time to read and comment. Good to know you enjoyed it...I had never tried this form before ...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentEduardo Cruz
Tue, 2016-06-28 13:10
Well, you did a bang up job.
Well,
you did a bang up job.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
raj
Tue, 2016-06-28 13:49
Thanks again Eddie for your
Thanks again Eddie for your good words..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentEsker
Fri, 2016-07-01 19:31
I like the physical descripts in this
Reaching for the stars..
pocket of stars..but alas
all that work and not the one
longed for...
the winter quilt
that shiver of being alone
and cold
and the last line of
quiding about the thorns
how that little shine of light
helps one transverse
the prickly landscapes
of metaphors
thank U!
raj
Sat, 2016-07-02 13:43
Thank you again Esker for
Thank you again Esker for taking the time to read this one and leave a meaningful comment ...very much appreciated...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentRula
Tue, 2017-03-21 17:04
hello raj
I know I've missed a lot of good writing by you and others the last few months and this one is just one of many.
I especially like the second stanza though I can't say why.
If there is a winner or not, this see5not to be clear at this stage but I would like go think of this one as a definite winner.
All the best
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