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Stan and Anders (Prose Workshop)

Submitted by wesley snow on Fri, 2012-05-04 19:40

I'm way too late to play here, but this is Stan's cold write and my lifeless poem.

Today the self-confessed Norwegian killer of seventy seven people described the killings in court.
Anders Breivik stated that the first two murders were the hardest. He said the voices of reason kept saying don't do it. But once he'd killed the first two the killing became almost automatic.
His stated reason for the murders was to protest the easing of immigration policies in Norway which was
allowing the tainting of Norwegian bloodlines. He has also stated in the past that other groups were prepared to follow in his footsteps.
Most of his victims were young attendees of a youth camp. The camp was largely attended by the children
of wealthy people many of whom have governmaent connections. If found guilty he faces a maximum of twenty five years in prison.
Twenty five years for cold blooded murder of seventy seven people. Such is justice in today's Norway.

Today the mad killer confessed all he’d done,
some seventy seven slain in the sun
of mountain top youth camp skirt by the sea.
“The first two were hardest, my voices, their plea,
but then it’s instinctive, robotic or rote.”
Young Anders said civics had moved him to act.
A peregrine virus caused Norway to bloat
with unhealthy bloodlines and vision’s abstract.
The victims were wealthy and tied to the law
and penance nigh nothing- the last that they saw.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
FROM PROSE TO POETRY

Comments

judyanne

Fri, 2012-05-04 21:23

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and i think you have done a good job of it

“The first two were hardest, my voices, their plea,
but then it’s instinctive, robotic or rote.”
- can i suggest
The first two were hardest, ignoring their plea
I overcame reason and murdered by rote.”

can i also suggest you divide it into two stanzas of five lines?
i think it then would have even more impact, allowing the reader to pause to think between the two thoughts

i really like the poetic transition of his motive
'A peregrine virus caused Norway to bloat
with unhealthy bloodlines and vision’s abstract.'

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

wesley snow

Fri, 2012-05-04 20:21

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I confess (and Stan knows) that I've been a little overwhelmed with two new jobs. I mostly didn't want the workshop to slip by without my doing my least. I fear the little ditty above was written far too quickly with far too little thought, but at least I was here. You're right though. Stan posed possibly the keenest challenge (though I've not read everything). There is nothing poetic in his subject matter or delivery to aid the poet. This needed a much better approach to begin with. Something darker and not simply mimicking Stan's piece as I did. You certainly have a great deal of energy young lady. Wish I could produce as quickly as do you. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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author comment

judyanne

Fri, 2012-05-04 22:01

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i thank you for the 'young lady' comment :)

as for 'energy' - another lol - i'm not sure many people would welcome the voices and words that rattle around in my head 24 hours of the day (yes - even when i sleep)
it is a full time job weeding out the rubbish while my muses vie with each other for my undivided attention

i know how busy you are, but i'm holding my breath to find out if you think my epic's exposition IS an exposition
- so i hope you find the time soon to give it a thumbs up or down :)
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

loved

Fri, 2012-05-04 21:08

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You are that
CREATIVE POET

out to carve a niche for yourself
as the most creative
sought after poet
but
Why have you stopped short
of commenting on me??
OUT TO CARVE HISTORY .....

loved

scribbler

Fri, 2012-05-04 22:59

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I've just read this. For now I'll just say you did a good job condensing this.I'll let others comment before I make any suggestions. Please be so kind as to include prose workshop in title so as to make it easier to pick out..........stan

Candlewitch

Sat, 2012-05-05 14:12

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I think you did a decent job with your conversion of the prose. I also liked Judy's suggestions very much. I have nothing further to add, except that the poem needs a title.

always, Cat

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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

wesley snow

Sat, 2012-05-05 20:52

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and that's the only part of it I like, although it's too light hearted for the subject. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

scribbler

Sat, 2012-05-05 22:22

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Not too sure Anders would like being put in company of such as I lol............stan

Barbara Writes

Mon, 2012-05-07 00:36

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I certainly see the difficulty you had in converting it.
bring the killer to the forefront could help with more descriptive words. Mine wasn't easy either really takes a lot of time and re-editing a few times stripping it down to get it to work. Then it still hard. :)

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